Category: Food

If food be the food of life, then let’s write about it.

Categories
Food Gardening

Barbecue

We had the first barbecue of the year today. In an alarmingly fortuitous turn of events, despite having had this planned for a few days, the weather was kind. The sky was overcast, and there were some spots of rain at about 11am, but when lunchtime came around, the clouds parted and conditions were amenable.

Our guests were not fully able to relax and enjoy my delicious meaty offerings, as they discovered that their car was leaking petrol from the underside. There is a happy ending – the AA man was able to replace a leaky connector in the fuel line, and so they could drive it away.

All things considered, and despite lately having more sleep troubles than usual, I’m feeling quite positive about the world. This might also have something to do with the bookcase which I bought yesterday, which has allowed us to tidy up the office ((former Man Cave)) significantly. Now, we periodically poke our heads round the door solely to appreciate how great this room looks. Strange how such small things can bring such pleasure.

My fence panels have also been replaced, at long last. Ever since the storms back in January, there has been a 12′ gap in one of the side fences, and Karen and I have sometimes felt like we share a large communal garden with our neighbours. It’s been an uphill struggle to get replacement panels, as supply is completely failing to match demand, but we got there in the end. They were delivered on Friday, and my neighbour and I installed them yesterday morning. We have our garden back, at last!

I seem to be completely unable to pick a topic and stick to it.

Categories
Food Photos

Strawberry

Strawberry

One of Bernard’s favourite foods.

Categories
Food Photos

Cheese? Grate!

Cheese

In my opinion, the basis of a strong relationship is not sharing each chore out 50-50, but rather efficient division of labour. There are some tasks which I hate doing, so she generally takes charge of them, in return for which I am always willing to step in to do the hoovering and the grating of cheese.

I love grating cheese. Partly for the task itself, partly because I like having a handful of grated cheese at the end of it (sneaking a few delicious flakes for myself, of course), and partly because the aesthetic value of a half-grated brick of cheese is, quite frankly, so awesome that I’m going to have to invent a new word for it.

It’s incredibly vulva.

What? Whadya mean, that word’s already taken?

Shove off.

Categories
Food Photos

Karen’s Hearty Winter Stew

Hearty Winter Stew

Includes chicken, bacon, tomato, apple, celery, haricot beans, treacle, fennel, oregano, chilli peppers and red onions. It was absolutely delicious – the apple and treacle gave it a certain sweetness – it’s just a shame that I only got about three forkfuls before a crying baby drew my fire, and so I had to enjoy the rest of it at a sub-optimal temperature.

Categories
Food Meander

Sleight Of Hand

It’s one of those days where I take my lunch break at home. There is one doughnut remaining, in a brown paper bag.

*”Take this back to work with you,”* says the Karen.

*”Why, how generous of you,”* I reply.

She takes the brown paper bag through to the other room and leaves it on my manbag, so that I don’t forget to take it back to work with me.

A short while later, I am at work. I grope the brown paper bag and am aware of the presence of not one but two ovular objects in it. I instinctively check them for lumps (and so should you).

I peer into the bag. Beside my grinning, portly doughnut lies a smarmy, self-satisfied piece of fruit.

A piece of fruit! How did that get in there?

Why, that sneaky girl.

Categories
Food Parenting Photos

The effect of tiredness

Lack of sleep is having a noticeable effect upon [Karen][]. Allow me to illustrate using an example.

[karen]: http://uborka.nu/rise/

Today, I came home from work at lunchtime, as usual, to prepare a small meal, hang out the laundry, usual kind of stuff. The fridge was full of coleslaw, potato salad, and other similar items, so I made up a couple of platefuls and brought them back through to the sitting room, where Karen was sat, giving Bernard his milky nourishment.

I set down the plate in front of Karen and the change that took place in her face was remarkable. At first, her eyeballs glistened slightly. Then I noticed her chin start to quiver. Her skin reddened, and pretty soon there were tears streaming down her cheeks and wails were emanating from her mouth.

What’s up, sweetheart?

*(sob) There’s too much of it! (sob)*

This was the first time that I’d known someone cry because I’d given them too much lunch. As I wrapped my arms round Karen to comfort her, I was simultaneously crying along with her and laughing at this completely unforeseen situation.

She doesn’t know that I’m posting this. I hope that one day she’ll be able to look back on this and laugh.

In other news, my venus flytrap is currently digesting flies in *six separate traps!* This is a record, and I’m pleased that he’s getting the nutrition that he needs. I couldn’t fit all six traps in one photo, so I’ve taken two.

Snappy Meal (1 of 2) Snappy Meal (2 of 2)

Categories
Ewan Food Guidance

Crumble With Ewan

*Ewan The Shark is currently on holiday in Peru, so he has given me precise instructions on how to create a fruit crumble.*

Hi guys. I’m here today to teach you to make a fruit crumble. First, kidnap its mother.

**Only kidding!**

First, preheat your oven to 180°C. Yes, that’s right – for the first time ever on CWE, we are actually going to use the oven, or as I sometimes like to call it, a hotness box.

We’re going to use an **old metal takeaway container** to cook this guy, so the quantities of ingredients are calculated using that size dish as a basis.

Watch as my assistant pours about **100g of plain flour** into a bowl.

flour

…followed by about **40g of butter**. The butter should be at room temperature – any cooler than this, and you’ll have a hell of a time mixing it all together.

butter

Use your hands to blend this all together. Experiment with your own particular technique, but be prepared that your fins will be all buttery and doughy by the end of this step. Wash them before and after. You are aiming for something that looks like this:

crumble

Continue reading “Crumble With Ewan”
Categories
Food

Caffiend

My coffee machine is broken. This is our concern.

It’s not some fancy-schmancy pressure-driven Gaggia or whatnot, so I suppose I should be pleased that this will not result in phenomenal expenditure to get it repaired or replaced, but it does mean that I am without my daily dose of freshly-ground coffee to pep me up in the mornings.

A mug of instant coffee lurks on my desk, snarling and cackling at me like some warty old witch or some filthy creature. Remember the “rodents of unusual size” from the [Princess Bride][]? Yeah, like one of those.

[princess bride]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Princess_Bride_%28film%29

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a mug of instant coffee. I used to like it quite a lot. Funny, that.

**UPDATE:** *Hey, do you want to see my “I am foolish” face? The coffee machine just needed descaling.*

Other News

In other news, the roads are insane this morning. A combination of some highly disruptive local roadworks, and heavy rainfall, has resulted in utter chaos. Many drivers are avoiding the roadworks by driving down a narrow country lane which I have been using for a few weeks. This lane is mostly wide enough for only one car, with passing places. As you are no doubt aware, the trick to negotiating such roads is to keep your distance from the car in front, such that there is always at least one passing place between you and them, which you can drop into if the need arises.

However, these town-dwelling dorks haven’t all figured this out yet, so this morning a jam of epic proportions ensued. Fortunately I was sufficiently far back to turn round and seek an alternative route.

Categories
Food

Don’t worry, I’m not really addicted

> A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, “How do I know you won’t sting me?” The scorpion says, “Because if I do, I will die too.”

> The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp “Why?”

> Replies the scorpion: “It’s my nature…”

INames have been changed currently have a bag of chocolate in my desk drawer – specifically, [Minstrels][]. I feel very bad about this, because by the time I have finished this bag I will have eaten 30g of saturated fats and a whole host more crap besides.

I purchased the bag in a moment of weakness, and now they sit here: taunting me, asserting their power over me. Clearly it is in my nature to purchase chocolate, but my better judgement tells me that I should refrain. I don’t want to be beholden to these seemingly innocuous little chaps, but yet I find that they call me, and I answer to their beckoning. If I could fight them, then I know that I would be a better person.

But it is in my nature.

Discuss.

**UPDATE:** I’ve eaten two [creme eggs][] and a [kitkat chunky][] today. Does that make me a bad person? Well, obviously the kitkat does, because it’s a Nestle product, but my question was intended to come from a chocolate perspective.

[creme eggs]: http://www.cadbury.co.uk/EN/CTB2003/about_chocolate/brand_stories/creme_egg/
[kitkat chunky]: http://www.nestle.co.uk/OurBrands/AboutOurBrands/ConfectioneryAndCakes/KitKat.htm

[minstrels]: http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/food/mars-galaxy-minstrels/

Categories
Food Photos

Beautiful, but stupid

Beautiful, but stupid

The stainless steel corkscrew pictured was my primary corkscrew between about 2001 and 2003 (inclusive). I liked it because it was beautiful, but it did a bad job, because it’s stupid.

The [Waiters Friend][], two of which are pictured, are a superior device because of the hinged appendage which allows you to lever the cork out, thanks to the miracle of Physics.

[waiters friend]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corkscrew_%28tool%29

*Beautiful But Stupid* does not have this feature. but that’s not its only flaw, for its beautiful screw is narrow, and much more prone to slippage than the loose coils of the other corkscrews pictured.

In summary, Beautiful. But incredibly stupid.