Ewan Food Guidance

Crumble With Ewan

*Ewan The Shark is currently on holiday in Peru, so he has given me precise instructions on how to create a fruit crumble.*

Hi guys. I’m here today to teach you to make a fruit crumble. First, kidnap its mother.

**Only kidding!**

First, preheat your oven to 180°C. Yes, that’s right – for the first time ever on CWE, we are actually going to use the oven, or as I sometimes like to call it, a hotness box.

We’re going to use an **old metal takeaway container** to cook this guy, so the quantities of ingredients are calculated using that size dish as a basis.

Watch as my assistant pours about **100g of plain flour** into a bowl.


…followed by about **40g of butter**. The butter should be at room temperature – any cooler than this, and you’ll have a hell of a time mixing it all together.


Use your hands to blend this all together. Experiment with your own particular technique, but be prepared that your fins will be all buttery and doughy by the end of this step. Wash them before and after. You are aiming for something that looks like this:


Ewan Food Guidance

Cook With Pussy


At last, now that limelight-hogging shark is out of the way, I can achieve the fame and notoriety that is deservedly mine!


I’ll show him! Bloody talentless hack… I’ve got more cooking savoir-faire in one of my whiskers than he has in his entire seabound body!


If only this had happened sooner! Perhaps my career could have been saved before my looks were savaged by old age!


Now quiver before me, mortals! I shall be your queen! Your beautiful, culinarily blessed queen!

*Originally posted here*

Ewan Food Guidance

Cocktails with Ewan Cruise: Tequiwi

word up, mothersharkers...

My, who the blazing heck is this, in front of some kiwi juice and a bottle of tequila? It’s only that dude, Ewan The Shark! And he looks like he is about to speak…

ice, just like vanilla

Welcome one, welcome all, to Cocktails With Ewan “The Shark” Cruise. Or should that be Ewan “Cruise” The Shark. Probably more appropriate.

As you can see above, I have placed 4n ice cubes into the cocktail shaker, where n is a coefficient determining how icy you want your cocktail to be, which I see, has efficiently enhanced your determination to make a cocktail.

the bit that makes the cocktail a cocktail

This is the hardest part to execute. Put some tequila into the cocktail shaker.

I really hope that you are managing to keep up with this.

the best photo I have ever taken

Whereas the previous step was the hardest to execute, this step is the hardest to photograph. Whilst holding a fluffy shark in one hand, a carton of kiwi juice in the other hand, and a camera between your teeth, pour some kiwi juice into the cocktail shaker. How you hold the cocktail shaker is up to you.

WARNING: do not try this at home

Shake your cocktail. As anyone knows, there is only one proper way to shake a cocktail.

And it’s not inside a washing machine.


Pour the cocktail into one of those really groovy tumblers just like they used to have in the ’50s in America. It is essential that you use one of these tumblers, as this drink is useless without the kaleidoscope effect you get when you are draining the last drops of your drink and staring down the barrel of an empty glass.

...and serve

Presto! Witness its majesty! Witness its charm! Witness its unsettling murky green colour!

Witness the flavour. Delicious.

*Ewan will return…*

*Originally posted here*

Ewan Guidance

Carpent With Ewan

Ewan in a drawer

What’s this in the drawer of my new coffee table? It’s a shark called Ewan, and he’s going to show me how to reinforce it!

These drawers just ain’t strong enough. The bottom bit slots into some grooves that are just a few millimetres deep, and once these drawers are laden with magazines, that base bit will buckle and fall through. We need reinforcements!

Before and after

Here is the drawer that we are about to reinforce, alongside one I prepared earlier. Get ready for the ride of your life!

The pencil line being drawn

Measure twice, cut once. Or, in our case, measure once, draw a pencil line on the piece of wood once, take it through to the kitchen once… whoops, I’m getting ahead of myself…


…put some newspaper down once (pleases the sharkette no end). Sawing is definitely a job for someone with opposable thumbs, so Pete did this bit.


When you are finished sawing, put the saw on the work surface rather than leaving it on the kitchen floor. I learned this the hard way. Note also that when you pick the newspaper up, it will be covered with a dusty reside, created whilst sawing. This dusty residue, created whilst sawing, is not too dissimilar in colour and texture to sawdust.

A line of glue

After checking that your pieces of wood fit, apply a thin line of wood glue to the edge that will be your vertical…

Two lines of glue

…and a thin line of wood glue to the base. Assuming that gravity points downwards in your region, make sure that your drawer is upside down when you do this. There is no point reinforcing the top of the drawer. Also make sure that your thin line of wood glue is close enough to the edge of the base that it will make good contact with the piece of wood, when you put it in place.


Put the wood in position and press it firmly into place. For every hour that the glue says that it needs to dry, allow four seconds. This drawer is ready to put back into position in a rip-roaring one minute, thirty six seconds!!!!!!!

*Originally posted here*

Ewan Food Guidance

Cook With Ewan – ManFood

cook with ewanYou are a man. You need food, and you want it now. Your hunger has reached gargantuan proportions, and you have about ten minutes before a very important television programme. Alternatively, you just want to get eating out of the way so that you can move onto more important things.

You need ManFood.

It’s fast and easy. It’s difficult to get wrong, because even when cooked to perfection, it is pretty much inedible. However, this doesn’t matter. You’re so hungry that the food won’t touch your tongue on the way down. You just need a balanced diet to last you through your gym session, and you need it fast.

Boil 5 minute pasta.

Pasta on the boil

Get green pepper, red tomato and pink ham out of fridge. Chop.

Fresh ingredients

Olive oil and paprika from cupboard. Cheese and oily basil from fridge.

Cupboard ingredients

Drain pasta. Everything in pan except cheese. Back on hob. Stir.

In the pan

Cut cheese.


Contents of pan into bowl. Cheese on top. Eat.

Voila. Oh my god it looks repulsive.

Try not to vomit.

Ewan Food Guidance

Cook With Ewan – Fried Misc

cook with ewanI received a lot of feedback to the CheeseOnToast++, and most people said “Wow. You must be the most goddamn sexy shark ever to grace the Internet!”

And to those people, my devoted fans, I send kisses and words of lust. I want to hump you all.

Some other people said that I had managed to make a simple dish look complicated. Some other smart-arses pointed out the error below image 5, where I stated that I was a carnivore and ate only meat, yet the dish that I was preparing was entirely vegetarian.

AcerbiaDave: I am a carnivore and only eat meat… yet I am eating an all non-meat meal

I shall not even dignify this bullshit with a response.

Anyway, this week I am going to show you how to make a complicated and impressive dish, in very few easy steps. And a whole bunch of difficult ones.

Only kidding.

Step One. In THIS pan…

Rice on the boil

…set a suitable amount of rice boiling, following the instructions on the box. In THIS pan…

The ingredients

…heat up some olive oil for frying. Give the chopped bacon (3 rashers) and sliced red onion (half of a decent sized one) a head start of about three minutes, then chuck in the sliced mushrooms (2), sliced peppers (red, green and yellow – quarter of a pepper in each case) and cashew nuts (as you desire, but avoid the salted sort).

Then dish it up.

On the plate

Finally, drizzle on some soy sauce. This is best done by a human, as they have opposable thumbs for holding onto the bottle with, as demonstrated below by my lovely assistant and dinner guest Lord Toadington-Keynes.

A bit of soy sauce

What girlish hands you have, Lord Toadington-Keynes (Lord T-K: Fuck you, shark).

In terms of quantities, this recipe serves one bored-shitless Lord and a fluffy shark. If you have a girlfriend present, you lucky fucking bastard pigfaced twat, then you probably need to increase the amount of bacon and mushrooms, and perhaps some more peppers too.

If your girlfriend is currently on the other side of the country, then eat this plate of food in dejected silence in the corner of your living room, while listening to angsty music and dreaming of fellatio.

Ewan Food Guidance

Cook With Ewan – CheeseOnToast++

cook with ewanThe most important thing to know about CheeseOnToast++ is that it is ++. You must know this. You must believe this. You must understand this. You must live this.

So make sure that all your apparatus is dirty. Those pork steaks two days ago were gorgeous, weren’t they? So don’t wash up the baking tray – take advantage of all those lovely porky juices just begging to be recycled. ((Important! Cooking with dirty utensils is dangerous and will kill you. Only attempt it if you are a shark and spend your entire life swimming around in human excrement anyway.))

Brown some bread on one side.

Toasted on one side

Golden brown, every time. Golden brown, my little Sharkitechts. That’s the key to good toast.

Then put some tomato puree on, and spread it nice and thin. You can see those nice dirty porkjuice stains everywhere. Mmmm.

Tomato puree goes on

Pesto! Yes, I told you, my remoradoring fans, this is CheeseOnToast++!

Pesto goes on

Slop on a teaspoonful and spread it about. And only then is it time for the cheese. Try and mix a couple of varieties – Cheddar with Red Leicester is a particularly good choice, as the yellow and orange contrast nicely. I used Cheddar and Cathedral City today.

Cheese goes on

Back into the grill with you. Make sure you handle that tray with oven gloves, especially if you are a fluffy shark.

Back in the oven

Season to taste, SharkFins. Some pepper and green flakey things called herbs. I don’t put too many of them on, partly because of the pesto that is already in place, but also partly because I am a carnivore and only eat meat.


Every single meal that you ever create should be served with a pork pie garnish. Remember that. It’s very important. I’ve also drizzled some olive oil over the CheeseOnToast++, just to make it gooier.

On the plate, with a pork pie

CheeseOnToast++, like all meals that can be eaten onehanded, should be enjoyed whilst leaning over a balcony / verandah / snake pit / politician’s wife.