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In The News Music

Quoth the enemy

In the latest NME, they have compiled a list of the top 50 coolest people. There seems to be pretty much no restriction on your profession or nationality, but certainly there are no faces in there that haven’t been shoved down our throats by the NME for the last year. No surprises there. We are in absolutely no doubt as to what opinions we should have. Good good.

I am a tad upset by the inclusion of Pete Doherty of Libertines fame as joint number one with Carl Barat, also of Libertines fame. I am sick to the back teeth of the Libertines. The music would be just about acceptable, but the fact that the NME quite clearly want to wriggle up their arses and hop about until they squirt is just plain dull. I take solace in the fact that they are just a passing fad, the One True Voice of “credible” rock.

Okay, no disrespect to the Libertines. Though I doubt that my vitriol will trouble them, they don’t deserve it. I manage to make it through most days without losing my head and throwing a little fit at some band or another, but goddamn it the NME made me do it. They just won’t. Shut. Up. Much like me.

Anyway, my point.

The NME say “Pete Doherty is here *despite* his drug addiction.” The emphasis has not been added by myself. Still, I sense that regardless of how heartfelt or sincere such a remark is, it’s going to have the same effect as the disclaimer on the KaZaA website that says “You may not use KaZaA to transfer copyrighted materials without the permission of the copyright holder.”

“Kids” will read this article. They will see that Pete Doherty, who has been mentioned in 52 issues of the NME in the last year, every single time with some reference to his crack habit in the article, is the coolest guy. The coolest guy in rock? The coolest guy in England? No. The coolest guy. No further qualification.

*Call me cynical…*

You’re cynical, Pete.

…but the only reason that the Libertines are so beloved by the NME is because of the tensions within the band that came about as a direct result of Pete Doherty’s chemical abuse. And that’s why they are the coolest guys. Crack habit leads to people falling out, leads to thrilling news stories, leads to recognition. After all, the NME couldn’t talk about them nonstop for the whole year and then not put them at the top of every poll, could they?

No. Because then they’d be seen as being fickle, having forgotten the Libertines already.

Well, to be honest, I can’t wait for January, when all of the end-of-year polls are out of the way, and the Libertines can discreetly fade from view. Because there has been too much glamorisation of drugs this year, accompanied by some 2pt Flyspeck saying “By the way, we don’t think drugs are cool, contrary to everything we’ve written above.”

*Originally posted here*

About Me


I invented a new **system** for evaluating pastimes and distractions today, called FEEA (pronounced “fear”, but with a soul-piercing screech).

The letters stand for Fun, Edification, Ease and Availability. What you do is rate all the things that you could do out of five, tally the four scores up, and the winner is the one with the most points. Here’s what I found.

**Playing Computer Games**

Fun: 4
Edification: 2 (there’s always that feeling that you haven’t really achieved anything)
Ease: 5 (can be done whilst drunk, that’s how easy it is)
Availability: 4 (waiting for it to load)

TOTAL: 15 (a most respectable score)

**Making Music**

Fun: 2 (a temporary state of affairs, I’m sure)
Edification: 4
Ease: 2 (takes a lot of hard work and dedication)
Availability: 2 (bandmates won’t come out of London at the drop of a hat, you know)

TOTAL: 10 (shocking. Must do something about this)

**Going To The Gym**

Fun: 1 (I get bored of looking at the same sweaty people and the same white walls over and over again)
Edification: 5 (…but I do feel better about myself for it)
Ease: 2 (takes a lot of hard work and dedication)
Availability: 5 (it’s part of the routine. Availability is not a problem)

TOTAL: 13 (blame it on the edification score)


Fun: 2 (varies depending on the task)
Edification: 4
Ease: 5 (can be done whilst drunk, that’s how easy it is)
Availability: 5 (assuming you’re actually at home)

TOTAL: 16 (wow. I should do more housework)


Fun: 3 (it would be 5, but I have ensured that the score takes into account “reading other peoples’ blogs”. I joke, of course)
Edification: 2 (it would be 5, but I have ensured that the score takes into account “reading other peoples’ blogs”. I joke, of course)
Ease: 4 (type nonsense. Not exactly rocket science)
Availability: 2 (not enough hours in the evening)

TOTAL: 11 (second to last place. Not going to do **that** again then)

So, with that, I hereby announce my resignation from blogging.

I joke, of course.

*Originally posted here*


About a Kettle

I’ve seen a lot of toasters,
And sandwich makers too,
But I never could stop searching
For a kettle just like you.

I like your pouty spout,
And your elegant element.
I like your ample handle,
And your kooky plastic scent.

Please sit here on my worktop,
And boil water for my tea,
And tell me how you’ve always searched
For a blender just like me.