Ewan Food Guidance

Cook With Ewan – ManFood

cook with ewanYou are a man. You need food, and you want it now. Your hunger has reached gargantuan proportions, and you have about ten minutes before a very important television programme. Alternatively, you just want to get eating out of the way so that you can move onto more important things.

You need ManFood.

It’s fast and easy. It’s difficult to get wrong, because even when cooked to perfection, it is pretty much inedible. However, this doesn’t matter. You’re so hungry that the food won’t touch your tongue on the way down. You just need a balanced diet to last you through your gym session, and you need it fast.

Boil 5 minute pasta.

Pasta on the boil

Get green pepper, red tomato and pink ham out of fridge. Chop.

Fresh ingredients

Olive oil and paprika from cupboard. Cheese and oily basil from fridge.

Cupboard ingredients

Drain pasta. Everything in pan except cheese. Back on hob. Stir.

In the pan

Cut cheese.


Contents of pan into bowl. Cheese on top. Eat.

Voila. Oh my god it looks repulsive.

Try not to vomit.


Attack by a large cotton reel

Driving up (pay careful attention to the upness) the hill into work on Friday, I rounded a corner to see a van driving along in front of me with one of its back doors open. One of those big cotton reels of cable (about two or three feet across) had fallen out of the back and was chasing the van along. The driver drove on, oblivious.

Much as I yearn for the comically satisfying realisation of the dream of a big heavy thing rolling down a hill, mowing down cars, I decided to do my hero act. I drove up as close as I could behind the big cotton reel, so that when it lost momentum and started to roll back down, it wouldn’t have far to go until my bumper caught it. I carried this out with great aplomb, and there is just a tiny scratch on my bumper as a result.

There was quite a crowd too, but I don’t know how much they saw. I didn’t get a round of applause, which I am quite pissed off about.


The shopping basket assault

Holding my shopping basket in my right hand, I slowly rotated clockwise.

My basket met resistance – something solid.

As I looked down to investigate what I had bumped into that had not been there a second ago, I saw a small blonde girl dropping towards the floor.

She started to cry, and continued to cry for a long time. I hung around, trying to make apologetic faces at her, in the hope that she would see that there was no harm intended, and she no longer had to continue this wailing fit.

She fixed me with a steely glare from the shoulder of her mother, and continued to bawl defiantly.

I then beckoned Karen over, climbed onto her shoulder, and cried right back at her.

Triumphantly, I smacked her again with the basket.

A good day, when all is said and done.

Music Original Music

Media Ogre

I mentioned this song last week. Though previously described as “quite good”, I have revised my opinion of it to somewhere between “adequate” and “mediocre”, hence the name for the song.

(mp3 no longer online – email me if you are interested)

It is a kind of admission of defeat. For many years I’ve dreamt of record contracts, world tours and half hour music shows on the BBC that are startlingly uncompulsive viewing.

But now I realise that my chance has passed. If something was going to happen, it would be happening by now. In 19 days it will have been one year since the last gig my band played in. Though there is talk of getting together to record a few songs (yes, you will hear them here first) in the near future, it’s plain that none of us have the ambition, commitment, or brass bollocks to give up everything and pursue this dream. Which is a slight shame, because it would have been a nice way to spend my time, in front of an adoring audience instead of a computer. Still, you can’t change the way that you are.

Usual disclaimer applies. You know, the one about being out of practise at… everything. Please redistribute, but don’t rip it off and get to number one with it, or I will have to sue you.


The Beast of the Bridge

Walking home from the gym after sunset fills me with fear, for I know that I will encounter The Beast of the Bridge.

The Beast only comes out at night, when it lurks by the pavement, waiting for weary unsuspecting travellers to pass by. It moves fast in the half-light, so reports of its appearance vary wildly. However, one thing we do know is that it may look a lot like a sparrow-sized dragon.

It has eight wings and red eyes, and teeth the size and shape of a corkscrew. Fresh blood drips from the tips of its sharp talons as it circles threateningly around your head. It will fly within a foot of your face, reducing you to a crumbling mass, quaking before its majestic ominosity.

And then, with the beat of one of its wings against your face, it will skim your neck, causing your hairs to rise up on end and your pulse to quicken to a Happy Hardcore tempo.

Then it is gone. And you, weary traveller, will not sleep well tonight.

Computing Dear Donkey

Dear Donkey – IT support

> Dear Donkey,

> You know how alt + tab shuts the window, well what if it stops is there any way I can restore it without resetting defaults and losing new shortcuts?

DonkeyDonkey says:

Are you sure that you are actually using Windows? In fact, are you sure that you are using a computer at all? Try stroking your computer’s stomach. If your “computer” purrs, rolls over, and breathes fish into your face, then it isn’t a computer.

Ewan Food Guidance

Cook With Ewan – Fried Misc

cook with ewanI received a lot of feedback to the CheeseOnToast++, and most people said “Wow. You must be the most goddamn sexy shark ever to grace the Internet!”

And to those people, my devoted fans, I send kisses and words of lust. I want to hump you all.

Some other people said that I had managed to make a simple dish look complicated. Some other smart-arses pointed out the error below image 5, where I stated that I was a carnivore and ate only meat, yet the dish that I was preparing was entirely vegetarian.

AcerbiaDave: I am a carnivore and only eat meat… yet I am eating an all non-meat meal

I shall not even dignify this bullshit with a response.

Anyway, this week I am going to show you how to make a complicated and impressive dish, in very few easy steps. And a whole bunch of difficult ones.

Only kidding.

Step One. In THIS pan…

Rice on the boil

…set a suitable amount of rice boiling, following the instructions on the box. In THIS pan…

The ingredients

…heat up some olive oil for frying. Give the chopped bacon (3 rashers) and sliced red onion (half of a decent sized one) a head start of about three minutes, then chuck in the sliced mushrooms (2), sliced peppers (red, green and yellow – quarter of a pepper in each case) and cashew nuts (as you desire, but avoid the salted sort).

Then dish it up.

On the plate

Finally, drizzle on some soy sauce. This is best done by a human, as they have opposable thumbs for holding onto the bottle with, as demonstrated below by my lovely assistant and dinner guest Lord Toadington-Keynes.

A bit of soy sauce

What girlish hands you have, Lord Toadington-Keynes (Lord T-K: Fuck you, shark).

In terms of quantities, this recipe serves one bored-shitless Lord and a fluffy shark. If you have a girlfriend present, you lucky fucking bastard pigfaced twat, then you probably need to increase the amount of bacon and mushrooms, and perhaps some more peppers too.

If your girlfriend is currently on the other side of the country, then eat this plate of food in dejected silence in the corner of your living room, while listening to angsty music and dreaming of fellatio.

Fiction Peril

Oh, it WAS a dream

As her eyes drifted open, she realised that her dream had been reality.

The party, the explosion, the dismembered bodies strewn about the garden. All of it was real.

The horned beasts descending from hovering motorcycles, impaling the survivors on their spears. All of it had been real.

The horrific screams, as the elegantly dressed partygoers were torn limb from limb, the remains of their torsos being tossed this way and that, into the fountain and the pond and the summerhouse. All of it.

At that point all of her friends stood up and laughed at her for falling for their little practical joke. How stupid she was.