Ewan Food Guidance

Cocktails with Ewan Cruise: Tequiwi

word up, mothersharkers...

My, who the blazing heck is this, in front of some kiwi juice and a bottle of tequila? It’s only that dude, Ewan The Shark! And he looks like he is about to speak…

ice, just like vanilla

Welcome one, welcome all, to Cocktails With Ewan “The Shark” Cruise. Or should that be Ewan “Cruise” The Shark. Probably more appropriate.

As you can see above, I have placed 4n ice cubes into the cocktail shaker, where n is a coefficient determining how icy you want your cocktail to be, which I see, has efficiently enhanced your determination to make a cocktail.

the bit that makes the cocktail a cocktail

This is the hardest part to execute. Put some tequila into the cocktail shaker.

I really hope that you are managing to keep up with this.

the best photo I have ever taken

Whereas the previous step was the hardest to execute, this step is the hardest to photograph. Whilst holding a fluffy shark in one hand, a carton of kiwi juice in the other hand, and a camera between your teeth, pour some kiwi juice into the cocktail shaker. How you hold the cocktail shaker is up to you.

WARNING: do not try this at home

Shake your cocktail. As anyone knows, there is only one proper way to shake a cocktail.

And it’s not inside a washing machine.


Pour the cocktail into one of those really groovy tumblers just like they used to have in the ’50s in America. It is essential that you use one of these tumblers, as this drink is useless without the kaleidoscope effect you get when you are draining the last drops of your drink and staring down the barrel of an empty glass.

...and serve

Presto! Witness its majesty! Witness its charm! Witness its unsettling murky green colour!

Witness the flavour. Delicious.

*Ewan will return…*

*Originally posted here*


She told me not to post this

Me: “I want to… uhm… put you in a box… with… uhm… lots of toothpaste in it.”
Her: “Mmmmm…”
Me: “And I want to… uhm… tie you to a banjo.”
Her: “Ahhhhhh…”
Me: “And… uhm… put you next to the radiator and throw foxes at you.”
Her: “Oooooh…”

*Originally posted here*