As you are probably aware, Karen and I bought a house a fortnight ago. After about a week, I got bored of having the estate agent’s “Sold” sign stood up in front, so I took it down and laid it flat on the ground (allowing the estate agents to pick it up and take it away when they are in the area).
However, Karen informs me that at some point this morning, the “Sold” sign has been re-erected. Clearly, we need to move it a little further from the front yard so that it won’t be instantly replaced. Here are some thoughts.
1. In the dead of night, take the sign round to the churchyard and stand it up in front of the church. For maximum potential offense, stick it through someone’s grave, preferably a recent one.
2. In the dead of night, situate the sign in front of a nearby school. That will cause some rumours to fly about in the morning, eh?
3. In the dead of night, install the sign next to the railway line. Then, when a train comes past, it will make a fabulous clacking noise like those plastic things that you put in your bike wheel.
4. In the dead of night, scour the town for dog turds. Collect them all up into one large pile that is sufficiently big to support the sign. Place the sign in the pile.
5. In the dead of night, break into the allotments and locate the sign on some random guy’s plot. When he discovers it, he’ll be all, like, “But it wasn’t even on the market!” and “How much money did it sell for? Is that my money, now?”
6. Uhm… in a pub.
7. Throw it in the municipal swimming pool.
8. Balance it atop a telegraph pole.
9. Traffic cone.
10. Paris Hilton.