There are a number of steps to ensure that your pub crisp-eating experience goes as smoothly as possible.
Firstly, select a suitable pub. You need to be sat down, around a table, with about two or three other people. It must not be too crowded, and the table must be square or round, with four beermats and no spilt fluids on its surface.
Take your coat off and hang it over the back of your chair. Place mobile phones, car keys and wallets on the table. This is a safe pub, and there will always be someone sat at the table.
Persons A and B sit opposite eachother at the table whilst persons C and D go to the bar, ensuring they have taken the order first. They lean up against the bar, which may or may not have spilt fluids on its surface, until the attention of a young and vibrant/old and grotty barmaid is drawn.
Order drinks. Whilst they are poured, person C selects a flavour of crisps depending on personal preference. My personal favourite is Salt and Vinegar, but Cheese and Onion may also be appropriate, and if you feel adventurous, try Beef or Worcester Sauce flavour.
When the drinks are placed on the bar, which may or may not have spilt fluids on its surface, person C pays. Person D takes the drinks belonging to persons A and D back to the table, and places them on the appropriate beermats.
Person C picks up the bag of crisps, holding them between his (or her) teeth, takes a pint in each hand and gingerly returns to the table.
The two remaining drinks are placed on the appropriate beermats and the crisp opening ritual begins. This is a complex operation. Open the bag of crisps at the top fully, and then tear down the side seam and allow the tear to continue across the front of the bag to the opposite corner. This opens out the bag, which can then be placed on the table, for communal sampling.
When two people have finished their drinks, persons A and B go to the bar and repeat the process.
Repeat the process twice more until persons B and D have also bought “a round” each.
*Originally posted [here]*