How to solve a problem like Maria

Maria used to cut my hair. And she was good.

We met on Valentine’s Day this year. She was on a break from her boyfriend, and was looking forward to her shift ending in half an hour so that she could go off on a girls’ night out with her friends. I was looking forward to having my hair cut, because the following day I was to take a female friend to the theatre, and though there was no romantic angle on this rendezvous, I still wanted to look nice.

We hit it off. I liked the way that she ran her fingers through my hair, and she liked the way that I liked the way that she ran her fingers through my hair. She cat my hair with precision, with deliberation and care. She made me look good.

She cat my hair on the day before mine and Karen’s first meal out together, the meal that eventually became our first date. At the time I hadn’t known that it was a date, but had I known, I’m sure that Maria would have wished me luck.

Then it all went wrong. The salon where Maria worked changed management. I put it off for as long as possible, but eventually I couldn’t hang on any longer. I needed a haircut. I phoned up for Maria but her shifts had been changed and she no longer worked at the times when I was available – I was going to have to have my hair cut by some spotty young oik.

The haircut wasn’t so good. The neckline was wrong, the sideburns were all wrong. Nobody could cut hair like Maria. I was plunged into depression, and lost my job, my car, my house, my wife and my shoes. The love af-hair had come to an end.

Today I ventured into a hairdressers for my first time in ages. From the outside, it looked cheap and tacky, exactly the sort of place which would not remind me of Maria. Maria was clean. Maria was elegant. Maria had a wondrously harmonious Southern accent, which twanged and pinged as if she was playing my hairs like a gutbucket.

I got inside and realised I had made a mistake. This place was clean. Seriously clean. Nicely decorated, shiny, and totally empty except for an attractive brunette behind the reception desk. No queue, I thought. Might as well.

The girl stood up and directed me to a free chair in front of a mirror, and proceeded to cut my hair. She asked me what I wanted, and then set about it. No small talk or chit-chat until the very end, when we had an amusing exchange about hair gel.

The haircut is good. Not as good as Maria, but time can sometimes heal.

Best bit of all was that she charged half as much as Maria used to.

You could say that she’s a cheap whair.

Now nominate me for Post of the Month.


So you want to be a TELEPHONE DESIGNER?

You’ve already taken the FIRST STEP by buying this guide!

Many people have DREAMS of being a TELEPHONE DESIGNER from an early age, and many don’t realise it until they are older. This guide is designed for people of all ages, races, SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS and body shapes, in order to help them ACHIEVE their goals of becoming a TELEPHONE DESIGNER!

You will need to equip yourself with some things in order to start your career as a TELEPHONE DESIGNER. Find yourself a PENCIL and PAPER.

Okay, we’re ready to start!

Firstly, you will need to understand what people want from their TELEPHONES. It needs to be COMFORTABLE against the side of the face, and in many circumstances people want their TELEPHONES to LOOK GOOD. It will also need to have lots of FEATURES like a memory, a last number redial, and a secrecy button so that they can shout WANKER down the TELEPHONE at people without them hearing.

To make sure that your TELEPHONE will support these features, make sure that it has SPACE on it for some BUTTONS.

Okay, we’re ready to draw our first TELEPHONE.

Put your PENCIL to the PAPER and draw a closed shape. This can be a CIRCLE, or some sort of DEFORMED CIRCLE, or perhaps a TRAPEZIUM. Draw some BUTTONS on it.

CONGRATULATIONS! You have drawn your first TELEPHONE!

To find out more about becoming a TELEPHONE DESIGNER, purchase my book.


Airborne Particle Consciousness Week

I declare this week to be Airborne Particle Consciousness Week (or APCW, if you find that sort of thing easier to pronounce. I personally don’t).

For all of this week, you must be very careful to put the toilet seat all the way down before you flush your toilet.

Now now, don’t laugh. This is a serious matter. The statistics for the number of people who receive infections as a result of airborne particles that have been spread as a result of flushing a toilet whilst the seat is up are frankly quite unobtainable.

So you’ll thank me for this.



Whilst walking from Westminster towards old Queenie’s place on Saturday afternoon, Karen and I were overtaken by a small girl on a pink bicycle, who shot off into the distance ahead of us. Bemused that she seemed to be out in London all alone, I suggested to Karen that it would be awfully easy to just grab the kid and run, going so far as to describe the dramatic scene that would be created by the image of a pink bicycle left lying on the ground, its rear wheel slowly rotating.

At this point the mother (yes, there had been a mother present) then walked past us. Whoops, I thought.

Feeling slightly awkward, we took a right at the next junction, partly to avoid a confrontation with the mother (who probably didn’t fancy the idea of her kid being taken) and also to trail a girl wearing a pink skirt with a particularly loose waistband (Karen’s idea, not mine).

Over the course of the next five minutes, the girl on the bicycle crossed our path about four times. The first couple of times it was moderately amusing, and I wondered if perhaps she actually wanted to be kidnapped.

But by the fourth time it was just scary, so I grabbed the girl off of the bike and threw her over the fence into the lake in St James’ Park, leaving a pink bicycle lying on the ground with its rear wheel rotating slowly.