It was a slapstick morning

Whilst holding an IM conversation, I totally forgot about my toast. My toaster has a fantastic feature, whereby if you use the “defrost and toast” routine, it totally neglects to turn itself off after however long you specify. I wonder whether this was a deliberate addition to its specification.

The byproduct of this neglect can be seen in figure 1:

Burnt toast
*Fig. 1*

…and, for that matter, in figure 2:

Smoky kitchen
*Fig. 2*

After crawling around my kitchen on my hands and knees, and finally getting all the windows open and every extractor fan turned on, I resigned myself to going back to bed to read another chapter of [The Straw Men][] by Michael Marshall Smith.

[the straw men]:

Half an hour later the doorbell buzzed. I picked up the intercom, thinking that it was going to be some helpful and concerned neighbour telling me that there was smoke pouring out of my windows.



“Come on up.”

I then struggled to get into my dressing gown. Well, my left arm found the sleeve normally occupied by my right arm. Hilarity ensued as I attempted to fashion a sarong out of the asymmetrically distributed fabric. I opened the door looking like David Beckham, only probably a lot less presentable (and I never thought that I would be able to say that).

I took the parcel, signed for it, and returned back into my flat.

And stubbed my toe on *everything*.

Uh, that’s it. But what more could you want?


It’s a dead 100 watt lightbulb balanced on a stack of CDs in the middle of the carpet. But is it art?

a lightbulb on a stack of CDs

Find out later today.


The famous bacon sandwich affair

Short of a pizza, there was nothing viable in the flat this morning for my breakfast. So on my walk to work, I passed a little bakery, ten minutes late for work already. So I crossed the road and decided to pop in.

I investigated my wallet. Not good news. I could assume that they weren’t going to take Visa for a £2 snack, so I was going to have to turn on the charm.

“May I help you?”

“Um… I’ve got… £1.40. What can I get for £1.40?”

“Well, what would you like?”

“Just a little something for breakfast really. My cupboards are bare, and so I’m only really looking for a substitute for two slices of toast.”

“I’m feeling generous – I’ll do you a bacon roll for £1.40”

“Bless you. That’s very kind.”


“Yes, please.”

“Any sauce?”

“No, thank you.”

Easy. I arrived at work ten minutes later, with my nice greasy bacon roll ready to meet its destiny in the usual way. I emptied my pockets to find another £1.40.

So in the interests of restoring the balance of things, I am going to go in at the same time tomorrow morning, and if the same girl is working behind the counter then I shall have another bacon roll, and I shall pay up the outstanding balance. I think it’s only fair.

It was a pretty good bacon roll as well.


I remembered what winter is like this morning.

I remembered what winter is like this morning.

I have a tendency to get very comfortable in a season, and by the end of summer I have usually forgotten what winter feels like.

But it came to me this morning in one go. It wasn’t the fact that it was a little chilly, and it didn’t even come to me when I was staring absent-mindedly out of the kitchen window, but when I opened my bedroom curtains to see the condensation on the windows and the frozen blue sky, it all came back in one big parcel.

I remembered how many clothes you have to put on, and yet you are still cold. The temperature gradient between being in bed and being out of bed. The deathly and emotionless, yet oft-lauded appearance of a frosted lawn. The demisting of car windscreens.

But first we have the leaves turning golden and falling off of the trees to go, and it has begun already. The skeletal, yet still living, forms of the bare trees. That’s reassuring at least.

Life goes on. Give it up for DNA.

Food Photos

A little lesson

Don’t take photos of food, no matter how inviting it looks. Your brain says “Mmmm, that’s one good pizza, lovingly crafted, and though cooked a little past perfection, that is going to taste gorgeous.”

a delicious spicy pizza

But the world says “That’s what you think. In twenty seconds that plate is going to be flipped over. Though you will catch it, you will be slightly too slow to prevent three of those slices landing on your beautiful carpet, two of them face down.”

This is why you keep your carpet clean, people.