In The News

Rumours about David Beckham

David Beckham has issued a statement to say there was “absolutely no truth” in rumours about him on the internet.

However, it’s not so simple as this. Apparently, no-one is allowed to even mention this rumour, as it will result in legal action. So what we effectively have here is a case of “I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but whatever it is, it isn’t true!”

In the absence of knowing what this rumour actually is, I have been forced to make a few up.

* David Beckham is 45 years old
* David Beckham shares 40% of his DNA with goats
* Under his skin, David Beckham is actually composed entirely of anhydrous Copper Sulphate (CuSO4), and if water were to penetrate his skin then it would initiate an exothermic reaction and he would turn bright blue (CuSO4.5H2O).
* David Beckham created a robotic replica of himself back in 1998, and has actually not left Detroit since then.
* David Beckham always keeps a rasher of bacon in his left shoe for luck.
* David Beckham has to shave the left side of his face three times as often as the right side of his face.
* David Beckham’s pecker is made of gooooold.
* David Beckham once got into a fight with Charlotte Church. Apparently it was only broken up when he pulled a knife.
* David Beckham has only four toes on his right foot.
* David Beckham has never been to Iceland.


The Girls

“Pete, what are you doing for dinner”

No plans.

“Do you fancy being cooked for?”

Who by?

“The girls.”

(Pause) Uh… what girls?

“The girls at your house.”

There are girls at my house?

(Rapturous chuckling envelopes the office)

Sounds promising.


The Song About the haircut

Well, my songwriting drought appears to have come to an end. Check out this beauty that I composed last night.

*Oh my lovely hairs,
How I cut you down so selfishly,
Smote you with steel blades,
For my own ends.*

*Yea, I even paid for the assault to take place,
Handed over money in exchange for the skills of an experienced swordsman,
Your limbs now lie scattered over his floor,
Your entrails strewn across my clothes,
Your lives soon to be cast away, but for the bits of yourselves that you leave behind.*

*But, to be fair, you brought it upon yourselves,
You always grew back the same,
You never change,
So I put it to you that you actually enter into this agreement knowingly.
You know how it will end,
And you do nothing to stop it,
I have no pity for you.*



It’s gonna be a hit. Though I may release this one under a pseudonym.

Dear Donkey

Dear Donkey

> Dear Donkey,

> I’ve got a problem. There’s this guy that I like but he is with this other girl, and she is totally not right for him at all. Should I move in or should I be a good girl?

> Anonymous

DonkeyDonkey says:

Well, you can do what I do when I have a similar problem. I just kinda walk around, smell foul, and occasionally eat something.

Works for me!

Hope this helps.