In The News

Rumours about David Beckham

David Beckham has issued a statement to say there was “absolutely no truth” in rumours about him on the internet.

However, it’s not so simple as this. Apparently, no-one is allowed to even mention this rumour, as it will result in legal action. So what we effectively have here is a case of “I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but whatever it is, it isn’t true!”

In the absence of knowing what this rumour actually is, I have been forced to make a few up.

* David Beckham is 45 years old
* David Beckham shares 40% of his DNA with goats
* Under his skin, David Beckham is actually composed entirely of anhydrous Copper Sulphate (CuSO4), and if water were to penetrate his skin then it would initiate an exothermic reaction and he would turn bright blue (CuSO4.5H2O).
* David Beckham created a robotic replica of himself back in 1998, and has actually not left Detroit since then.
* David Beckham always keeps a rasher of bacon in his left shoe for luck.
* David Beckham has to shave the left side of his face three times as often as the right side of his face.
* David Beckham’s pecker is made of gooooold.
* David Beckham once got into a fight with Charlotte Church. Apparently it was only broken up when he pulled a knife.
* David Beckham has only four toes on his right foot.
* David Beckham has never been to Iceland.