I noticed that the Yahoo search engine spider was using up disproportionate quantities of bandwidth. In a nutshell, put the following two lines into your robots.txt:
The manilla jiffy bag! Gasp! It’s so fucking exciting!
While on holiday last week, I had the idea of composing a Bernard-to-English dictionary. With these useful hints, you too might be able to hold a conversation with him.
|apple (and, indeed, most other fruit)
|The Grand Old Duke Of York (song)
|sish (with a soft ‘s’)
|tractor? play tractor? play train? man? bike? play train? play man tractor?
|I would like to play some GTA San Andreas now please.
*Google says that I’m not the first person to use this “I fought the lawn…” pun in a blog post title. Ah well, you win some, you lose some.*
Back in March, we had a lawn installed. As the grass gradually got longer and longer, we realised that we could not delay the purchase of a lawn mower any further.
It’s not a very large area, so I didn’t want to go spending huge amounts of money on a lawnmower. But, conversely, I also had requirements. I wanted something that would collect the grass shavings for me, and I also wanted to avoid the Flymo brand, as they are basically all cheap, shoddy, flimsy pieces of orange plastic tat.
Stood in my local Focus, I contemplated the options. On my left, I had a Bosch electric rotary mower that met my requirements, costed about Â£60, and would take up a significant amount of space in the garage, when the garage is full enough already.
Qualcast Panther 30
I ummed and ahhed for a long time, while Karen ran around the store chasing a toddler who had a surplus of energy. I had mental images of blazing hot afternoons, sweat pouring down my body, red in the face, grunting and heaving and screaming “fucking piece of shit lawnmower!”
But then I suppressed my preconceptions and thought about it rationally. I thought about my hodddd and how much simpler and easier it is to sweep the carpet using the hodddd than the vacuum cleaner. I thought about dynamo-powered bicycle lights, and how modern ones are far less intrusive than their old-fashioned counterparts. I thought about how much easier the hand-powered lawn mower would be to store and transport. The reduced risk of accidents. The additional exercise. The lower purchase price. Bernard screamed past at a few hundred miles per hour, with Karen in hot pursuit. She suggested that if I wanted to make a decision any time soon, that was okay with her.
A few hours later I was in the back garden, sweat pouring down my body, red in the face, grunting and heaving. But I wasn’t screaming “fucking piece of shit lawnmower”. Because I knew that it wasn’t the lawnmower’s fault. It was the fact that this lawnmower is totally unsuitable for cutting long grass, and this came as no surprise.
Once the grass is down to a reasonable length, this thing actually whizzes over the lawn with impressive speed and agility. I’m the kind of guy who is willing to go out and mow the lawn once a week, and so I have a good feeling about this. Stay tuned.
When we arrived on Friday, it was cold and wet and miserable. The rain had brought all the snails out onto the path, and I managed to accidentally kill a few million of them in the dark. We went out onto the beach in our coats.
On Saturday, Bernard and I were in the garden. I taught him lots of useful things about snails.
They don’t tend to last for very long…
“Microsoft got smart in Vista and changed the behavior when you hit F2 to rename a file, selecting only the name of the file and leaving the extension alone.” They didn’t get smart, exactly – they adopted an excellent feature from Linux.
The other weekend, we were invited to lunch with Tom and Rach. They cooked us pie and a meringue. Both were delicious, and the meringue was particularly photogenic.
This is not the first time that Tom has made me a pie, and I’m looking forward to the next one already.
We also found a happy potato, which Rach could not bear to flay.