The queen just walked past my window.
Awesome.
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Author: pete
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A rather disturbing morning
I had an awful time of it this morning. Karen called me over to her computer to show me her latest blog post. As I sat down and started to read, I saw that it was quite long. I was a little occupied at the time, so I asked her if I could have a brief summary, but she was insistent that I read it all, there and then. At this point things went a bit strange.
I was suddenly aware that there were two girls sat next to me, and both of them were Karen. How odd, I thought, must be seeing double, so I moved my head a bit closer to her, and blinked and refocused and generally tried to straighten my eyes out. Both Karens disappeared, and didn’t come back.
At this point I panicked a bit, naturally. I stood up and called her name. I then started running round the house, alternating between calling “Karen!” and “I’m hallucinating!”
I eventually bumped into her coming out of the bathroom. Her face looked strange, kinda like she had a face mask on, but weirder than that. It was as if two separate and distinct faces were resolving themself together – clearly I was still hallucinating.
At the point at which she threw her arms around me, reality regained complete control, and I was sitting bolt upright in bed. Karen was holding me, sobbing uncontrollably. I looked around the bedroom, and established that everything looked right. My pulse rate started to return to normal. “It’s okay,” I told her, “it’s better now. We’re okay.”
Then I woke up. I was lying on my back in bed, Karen asleep next to me. She made a small whimper – had I been talking in my sleep? My brain ricocheted around in my head from the two successive impacts of reality, only two seconds apart. “Wow.” I whispered breathlessly.
Immediately the CD player whirred into life. It was 7:30.
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Reading Festival 2005: Day 3
Slow start today. The number of bands playing today about whom we were enthusiastic in advance was less than previous days, probably mainly due to the silly heavy rock bands taking over the main stage.
We decided to start the day at the third stage, and the first band we saw were called Gratitude. The music wasn’t particularly remarkable, but the frontman was sensational. He was very talkative and inviting, spending a lot of time off the stage and stood on the fence before the front row, and he drew a very healthy sized crowd. This enabled him to crowd surf, which he did multiple times. At the end of the set he then climbed down into the crowd with a box of the band’s CDs, to shake hands, say hello, and sell some discs. The crowd followed him like a swarm of flies. I was most impressed. I’d speculate that this guy has a certain star quality. Which, as we know, counts for a lot in this world.
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Reading Festival 2005: Day 2
We were incredibly tired this (Saturday) morning, and so we slept in a bit. I then wanted to fill the car up with petrol, so by the time we were on site, we had missed the start of the music. I wasn’t too fussed about the first band, but I do think that we missed a treat by only arriving for the last two minutes of Editors. The crowd was immense for such an early-billed act, and those two minutes that we heard sounded like something special. I shall have to do some sort of penance.
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Reading Festival 2005: Day 1
As we walked to the main entrance to the site, I discovered that my watch, our only timepiece, had stopped earlier in the morning. What a start. However, the timing of our arrival was impeccable – we arrived in the main arena at exactly the same time as Do Me Bad Things, the first band of the day, were taking to the main stage. They had a slightly shaky start, as a technical problem caused the sound to cut out after a few seconds of their first song, but they disappeared off stage for a few minutes and when they came back all was better. The lead singer made a lame deja vu joke, but nerves can do that to you, I suppose. I personally would have gone for the “Sorry, children, due to a technical hitch we’ve had to cancel Reading. Go home.” gag.
Wenceslas Square, from the bottom end, by the museum. Our hotel was about ten minutes walk from here. I remember standing with Karen in a furious downpour, debating whether to go back to the hotel for an umbrella.
The Old Town Square.
This is the Church of Our Fantastic Lady of Tyn, or something like that.
In Prague, the walls of the subway stations aren’t lined with adverts, which is most refreshing.
The ossuary at Kutna Hora. This is actually the least blurry of all the photos I took in there. It won’t surprise you to learn that it wasn’t well illuminated.
Due to the unavailability of a tripod, I placed the camera on a stone pillar to take this. And due to the sloping nature of the stone pillar, and the need to position the camera such that it wouldn’t tumble off the pillar, there is rather a lot of stone pillar in this photo. Let this be a lesson.
The castle, across the river.
Flying back over London.
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Snails
While weeding the garden, I discovered a nest of snails. I violated their lair to use them for my own amusement.
I lured this guy out with a leaf.
I had to clean the table afterwards.
I tried to mate these two. They seemed interested in eachother, but no hardcore ensued.
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Squash strategy
To gain the upper hand in a game of squash, let go of a really good fart in one corner of the court. Then, try to hit the ball so that it lands in that corner. Your opponent will be unable to get close enough to the ball to return it.
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How to be an owl: Part Four
Owls also have very good night vision. Scientists would say that this is because their eyes are very large in proportion to the size of their heads, but I believe it’s that they are munching on lots of carrots on the quiet.
In fact, according to the 1998 Junior Illustrated Encyclopedia Of Lies, owls eat twelve times their own bodyweight of carrots EVERY SINGLE MINUTE! How incredible is that? For the purposes of demonstration, below is Beck the Owl pictured next to twelve times his own bodyweight of carrots.
If you listen to scientists, you’d be forgiven for thinking that carrots are high in beta-carotene, which is converted into vitamin A by the body, and this is why it is good for your night vision. This is clearly refuted in the 1998 Junior Illustrated Encyclopedia Of Lies, which points out that the truth of the matter is that its all to do with THE SHAPE OF THE VEGETABLE!
So here’s a handy cut-out-and-discard guide to improving your night vision through means of ingestion.
BREAKFAST
Two hundred bowls of carrot soup
LUNCH
Eight hundred bananas
SNACK
One cucumber
EVENING MEAL
Fifty eight sweet pointed peppers, stuffed with feta cheese and olives
MIDNIGHT SNACK
Garlic baguette
HTH!
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How to be an owl: Part Three
Another important distinguishing feature of owls is their ability to fly. If I am also going to be able to fly, then the obvious method is to obtain some wings and some feathers, and attach them to my body. However, I suspect that this will be a little difficult, so I am going to explore an alternative method.
What if there was a limited version of flying, available to humans without any additional modifications or training required? Though not as flexible as the method which owls use, it does at least allow you to fly in one direction pretty quickly.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: falling.
I’ve been practicing this quite a bit. I’m getting rather good at it. Though these funny marks are appearing on my head and I seem to be losing control of the right hand sde f bd