Categories
Dear Donkey

Dear Donkey – Flirt

> Dear Donkey,

> The girl behind the counter in Specsavers flirted with me. She was quite cute, and wearing a low-cut top.

> This isn’t a question. I just wanted to gloat. Hah.

> Anon

DonkeyDonkey says:

Were my mailbag a little less empty, I’d discard this missive in a trice. In case you’d forgotten, I am incredibly studly, and am approached by foxy young things with sultry come-to-bed eyes on a daily, nay, HOURLY basis. Maybe one of these days I’ll take you out and you can observe the master at work.

Given that you haven’t asked a question, I’m free to offer you whatever advice I choose, without being constrained by being forced to make it pertinent to your request. As a result, I offer you this nugget: get a haircut you idiot.

Anyone else out there who has got problems as big as this fool?

Categories
Food Photos

Beautiful, but stupid

Beautiful, but stupid

The stainless steel corkscrew pictured was my primary corkscrew between about 2001 and 2003 (inclusive). I liked it because it was beautiful, but it did a bad job, because it’s stupid.

The [Waiters Friend][], two of which are pictured, are a superior device because of the hinged appendage which allows you to lever the cork out, thanks to the miracle of Physics.

[waiters friend]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corkscrew_%28tool%29

*Beautiful But Stupid* does not have this feature. but that’s not its only flaw, for its beautiful screw is narrow, and much more prone to slippage than the loose coils of the other corkscrews pictured.

In summary, Beautiful. But incredibly stupid.

Categories
Dragons Parenting

Dragons Don’t Count

It’s no secret that I am expecting to become a father at some point during this forthcoming summer, and very pleased about it I am too. Now you know what I was alluding to in points 25 and 28 when I indulged in [a certain meme][] a while ago.

[a certain meme]: http://pete.nu/blog/2005/12/memes-beat-whinging-any-day/

Parenthood-related anecdotes will surely skyrocket when the happy day arrives, but for the meantime we have choice examples such as the one which I am about to relate. I warn you in advance, it doesn’t have a punchline or any sort of satisfying payoff, so if you require such things in your literature I expect you to walk away now.

Categories
Computing Original Software

Conformance checker

I’m working on a program that utilises the [W3C Validator][] to “watch” a webpage, and automatically send you an email if your page stops validating. Functionally it’s fully operational, and is currently undergoing alpha testing. However, I have no idea what to call it, and its working title stinks like rancid ass.

[w3c validator]: http://validator.w3.org/

Help. My current fallbacks are things like “watchr” and “validatr”, which are derivative and dumb and preferably avoided. Please donate your ideas by email (there’s a link in the sidebar) or put something in the comments box.

*UPDATE: It’s available [here][]*

[here]: http://www.pete.nu/valet/

Categories
TITGIG

Bugfix – erratically expanding textareas, no thanks!

Ade discovered an undesirable behaviour when writing a comment on this site, which I believe is probably also present in the WordPress classic theme.

The main text field for entering comments in was being created using the following HTML:

<p><textarea name="comment" id="comment" cols="100%" rows="10" tabindex="4"></textarea></p>

As a result of a bug in Internet Explorer, as soon as you start typing in this text field it will expand to the width of the browser window, leaving the right-hand edge hidden underneath the sidebar. The culprit is cols="100%".

To fix it, I added a couple of lines, so the HTML now reads:

<div style="width:100%">
<p><textarea name="comment" id="comment" cols="100%" rows="10" tabindex="4"></textarea></p>
</div>

This seems to fix the oddness in IE without affecting the rendering in Firefox. Let me know if you encounter any further peculiarities.

Categories
About Me My Bands

A brief history of Shiny Tight Stuff

Foundation (to 9 months)

Shiny Tight Stuff is the name of the band that I formed with my friend Craig at the end of 1997. A few months earlier I had bought my first bass guitar, after years of listening to music and imagining that I was up there on stage. I realised that there was no reason why it shouldn’t be me, and so I took the plunge. It was only a matter of weeks later that Craig, motivated by my own bravery, decided to get a guitar and join the fray. It was on the 27th December 1997 that I was idly flicking through a video games magazine in Craig’s bedroom, and I remarked “I wish I had a girlfriend so that I could make her wear shiny tight things.” Craig responded “Shiny Tight Things would be a good name for a band.” Hold on, we thought – we’re a band… kinda. In fact, the only thing stopping us from being a band at this stage was the fact that we didn’t have a name. Literally within minutes, we realised that by giving ourselves a name, we could legitimately claim to be in a band, and impress the girlies. Initially Shiny Tight Things, we took a poll amongst our friends and agreed that Shiny Tight Stuff was marginally catchier.

Categories
Music Music reviews

Some Recent Listening

Here’s some stuff that I’ve been listening to lately.

Brassbound **Brassbound** by *The Ordinary Boys*

I should let you know that I don’t change the CD in the car very often. As a general rule, I’m so eager to either (a) get to work or (b) get back home again, that it never quite seems to be the right time to go through the rigmarole of opening the glove box, getting a CD out, performing the changeover routine, blahblahblah. This particular album, however, was sufficient to set a new record – I could only listen to it one-and-a-half times before my brain said No more! and I involuntarily but willingly ejected it from the system. I ejected the CD – not my brain.

This album is completely pointless. It’s unoriginal ska-pop that just treads a load of boards that made a rather nasty squeaking sound first time around. I had heard of this band before, but it wasn’t until after *Celebrity Big Brother* ended that I thought to myself, hey that Preston fella wasn’t completely repellent, I wonder what his band sounds like.

Well, short-lived that was.

Trouble **Trouble** by *Ray LaMontagne*

This, however, is superb. I do most of my listening to music whilst I’m pootling about on the computer, reading weblogs and writing PHP and fiddling about with CSS. Every once in a while, I find myself listening to an album that is so poignant and rich with sound that I hit the switch on the monitor, and allow myself to do nothing but listen for the next 45 minutes. This is one of those albums.

Fabulous voice, fabulous songwriting. This is everything that I thought [O][] by *Damien Rice* would be, until I discovered upon continued listening that it was shit.

[o]: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000AXKRB/

The Back Room **The Back Room** by *Editors*

There are one of two possibilities here. Either I’ve only listened to this album twice, or I’ve listened to it a dozen times but it’s so unimpressive that I’ve not noticed. The singles seem to be reasonably catchy, but the overall effect is early Coldplay with larger testicles – not enough to really twizzle my goatee. This might be one of those albums that needs to be played in the car. Tell you what, I’ll make a note, do that, and then get back to you.

Supernature **Supernature** by *Goldfrapp*

Ah, *Goldfrapp*. *Goldfrapp* have never, to my knowledge, disappointed. Alison just gets hotter and hotter, and the music – well, I suppose the music does too. I should make a date to go to a *Goldfrapp* gig, I really should.

There is a but. The first song was used on a mobile phone commercial. If it was the second song, or the third song, then that would be fine, but I find myself wondering whether I’ve put on the *Goldfrapp* album, or if a commercial break just started. This is bad for me, and bad for *Goldfrapp*, but probably quite good for the mobile phone company in question.

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not **Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not** by *The Arctic Monkeys*

This is a tragic tale of *Libertines* proportions. *The Arctic Monkeys* are good, really good. This album is good, really good. But it just can’t cope under the weight of everything that’s going on in its name. Some people would call it hype, but it’s not. It’s more like a religion. This band have a lot of peoples’ hopes riding upon them, and I don’t think that they’re up to it. They are drowning in their own gimmick, and the Pandora’s Box-esque nature of things means that this fabulous new way of getting yourself heard will very quickly be hijacked and controlled by the players in The Industry, and the only thing that will have changed will be the brand of clothes being worn by the guy who is making millions off of your effort.

If I sound cynical and pessimistic, then I apologise. This is the end result of years of analysis and pessing. I don’t pess lightly. My pesses have been thought about at length.

Plans **Plans** by *Death Cab for Cutie*

I’m not au fait with the whole history of *Death Cab For Cutie*. In my cybertravels, I often stumble across mentions of them here, there and everywhere. Generally, these mentions seem to be about who they are, and why they are, and some television program called *The O C*, and there is precious little mention of the music. This album, for those who are interested, is a collection of mainly exceptionally good songs, with some slightly dull ones that don’t really ruin things too much. There is some very competent songwriting ability in evidence here.

I think that’s it for now.

Linux – One Year On

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my long-awaited switch from Windows to Linux. Though it was not an overnight transition, it’s much easier to put a date on commencing the metamorphosism than completing it.

I always try to be very careful around the subject of Linux advocacy, because if you say too many positive things about it, then people will fall under the misconception that it’s a good substitute for Windows. And it’s not, but it is a good alternative, if you’re willing to face the learning curve.

Some things worked right out of the box (eg USB, all essential hardware at a basic level), some things required a little bit of effort (eg wireless networking, multimedia keys on the keyboard, optimal screen resolution), some things just never ended up working, but I got over it (eg lack of read-write support for NTFS, lack of support for Lexmark printer, burning audio CDs takes twice as long), and some things still bug me a little to this day. For example:

  1. Games – I’ve tried Cedega, and did actually manage to install Max Payne using it, but when I tried to play the game, it hung. The closest that I came to a satisfactory gaming experience under Linux is nethack. It would be nice if I didn’t have to reboot every time I wanted to play a game.
  2. Video – Nothing seems quite as slick as Windows Media Player, I’m ashamed to say. I find myself occasionally having to load certain WMV files in gxine because they won’t play in VLC. I’m sure that this is conquerable, if I just spend the time on it. Additionally, for some reason the menus in build 0.8.4 of VLC are borked, and I can’t access the playlist. I’m currently using 0.7.0, but apt keeps trying to upgrade me to 0.8.4 again.
  3. …while we’re talking about apt: it’s a fantastic tool, and it really simplifies installation and upgrading, but it has downsides. For example, Firefox 1.5 is not available in the repositories for the current version of Ubuntu – only 1.0.7. This means that if you want 1.5, you need to install it yourself. It’s not a terribly simple process, but it is well-documented here.

But conversely, some things happen so much more smoothly than before, it’s unreal. I’ve found myself writing shell scripts and python programs to automate tasks that I would previously have done manually, like correcting ID3 tags on MP3 files, and transferring photos from my camera to the computer.

I’ve heard people describe Linux as having a steep learning curve, but as your skills improve you realise that it doesn’t obstruct you from doing the things that you want to do. The only limits upon what you can do, and learn, are the limits of your willingness.

Categories
Parenting

Signs

Here’s another indicator of impending fatherhood: my opinion on the word “fuck” has changed considerably recently, even over a very short period of time.

My attitude towards it used to be that it was a heavily trafficked word, generally used gratuitously beyond the point of diminishing returns, but if used at the right time it could often add the necessary spice to a presentation.

Today, I looked at some of my old writings elsewhere on the web, and it suddenly seemed excessive and inappropriate. I think to myself, is this really the example that I want to be setting for my son? I personally consider it a harmless enough word, but I am aware that grandparents and teachers are less impressed when it sprouts from the mouth of a four year old. Not that I really care what they think, but it would make life unnecessarily difficult for both me and the child.

Obviously sheltering a child from unsuitable language is an impossible task, so I suppose that the best that I can hope for is to make it clear to the child that these words are just words, though considered offensive by some. This is probably one of those concerns that takes second place to more pressing matters as soon as the baby is born, so it’s probably not worth getting too worked up about at this stage.

Categories
Dear Donkey

Dear Donkey – Noel Edmonds? FFS.

> Dear Donkey,

> After the recent success of *[Deal or no Deal][]*, do you think Noel Edmonds will make it back onto primetime TV?

> Anon

[deal or no deal]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deal_or_No_Deal_%28UK%29

**DonkeyDonkey says:**

I recognise you. It’s been a long time since I was sat in this particular seat, typing at this particular keyboard, but something about you seems familiar. And if you are who I think you are, and I think you are because I recognise your email address, then I have to say this: you’ve let yourself go a bit, haven’t you?

I mean, what’s this *Deal or No Deal?*

Rhetorical question – I’m not incapable of searching Wikipedia – but you’re watching shows that I haven’t even heard of. That either means that you’re cooler than me by a factor of a million, or dumber than me by a factor of a million. We can rule out the first using the Laws of Physics, and we can deduce that the latter is highly likely using the Laws of Noel Edmonds.

I’d answer your question, but my bale of hay is ready. Maybe I’ll come back to this dumbass query after dinner.

On second thoughts… no.