Categories
Stunt 2007

Christmas Decorations

*This is a companion piece to a similarly-themed article on Karen’s site which, all things being equal, should be published at roughly the same time.*

Once upon a time, not so long ago, I was a fan of extravagant Christmas decorations. I came from the *if you can see green, it needs more decorations* school of tree-dressing. I was just continuing the traditions that had been established in my childhood.

But time has taken its toll. Encroaching curmudgeondom, environmental awareness, and Karen’s influence have all combined and changed my view. I still like to drape long strands of tinsel along the top edge of picture frames, but I’m no longer the lightoholic that I once was. The majestic exterior displays that some of our neighbours have implemented seem excessive and vain. I’d be happy to have one or two strings of low-power lights around the house, but Karen would rather that we don’t, and I’m cool with that.

We haven’t put up my 6′ artificial tree this year. We were concerned that Bernard would be unable to resist the urge to pull it down on top of himself. In retrospect, perhaps we were unnecessarily paranoid, but so it goes. While digging through bags of decorations (for tinsel, see above) I did discover the old foot-high plastic tree that I used to have in my bedroom back when I was a teenager, so we’ve put that in the middle of the dining table. That’s our tree this year.

The thing that baffles me is that “tradition” can make people do such irrational things. We install cavity wall insulation and loft insulation to reduce our heating bills. We replace our incandescent light bulbs with compact fluorescent alternatives. We turn the TV off instead of leaving it on standby. We worry about carbon footprints, and petrol prices, and all that jazz.

Then December arrives. Suddenly, it’s time to cut down a tree, decorate your house in unnecessary lights, throw the switch, and it’s all okay because (a) it looks pretty and (b) it’s tradition. I look at the aforementioned lightshow adorning the exterior of my neighbours house and imagine them saying *Kids, we can have extra lights this year, because Pete next door has been so careful with his energy consumption over the last eleven months! w00t!*

You know what I want to do? I want to walk up my street at 2am in the morning, ringing the doorbells of all the people whose Christmas lights are glowing brightly. And I’ll say “Excuse me, but would you mind switching your lights off? Oh, whoopsie, were you sleeping? Sorry, I assumed that you were awake, because YOUR LIGHTS ARE ON.” Maybe I should just head out with a pair of secateurs and switch those lights off in the old-fashioned way.

At the end of the day, I appreciate that the tradition of Christmas is very important to some people, and they will defend their right to be as wasteful as they like. And I have to respect that, because I know that I am not perfect either, and there are still probably thousands of ways that I could further reduce my negative impact on the environment. After all, what’s the difference between the people at #40 draping their house with enough lights to land a jumbo jet, and me leaving my computer on overnight to download the latest Ubuntu release?

*UPDATE: some photos*

*Next week’s stunt post will be entitled “What I want for Christmas” – look out for it on Monday.*

Categories
Displeasure Guidance

How To Leave Pipex: Part 3

Your changeover date will arrive. You can monitor the progress of your order using your new ISP’s “Order Status” page, and they will probably also email you when the migration is complete. Oh, and your Pipex connection will stop working.

At this point, enter your new connection details into your router’s setup page, and watch in wonder as Internet connectivity returns! Joy!

Now cancel your Pipex Direct Debit. Barring any mishaps, our work here is done.

*Continues here.*

*Part 1, Part 2.*

Categories
Displeasure Parenting Stunt 2007

Santa

*This is a companion piece to a similarly-themed article on Karen’s site which, all things being equal, should be published at roughly the same time.*

Santa Claus is a big pile of bollocks. He’s what you get when you take two historical figures who are famous for gift bringing, blend them together, allow it to ferment for about 100 years until a dominant form emerges that bears little resemblance to either of the originals, hijack it for advertising purposes, and then continue using it for advertising purposes for another 80 years.

“You cynical bastard, ” some whiney git whines, “are you going to deny your son the tradition of Christmas?”

That depends, I reply. Are you talking about the tradition of giving? Or the tradition of demanding? The tradition of generosity? Or the tradition of shopping?

Once upon a time, Santa had good intentions. But now, he’s a corporate shill.

“But, ” the whiney whinotrope continues to whine, “children are innocent and beautiful. They don’t understand such foulness. They are incapable of conceiving such things. To them, Santa is a good man, for he brings them gifts.”

Exactly, I reply. Isn’t it our duty to protect children from the things that will cause them harm? If they don’t understand the dangers of wanton consumption and the worship of consumerism, surely we should be keeping them as far from it as possible, rather than burying our heads in the sand and saying “Oh, I’m sure it won’t do any long-term damage. We can always un-train them later.”

I’d love to be able to embrace Santa Claus. Like Jesus Christ, I agree with everything that he stands for. But his legacy has been poisoned by the people who have co-opted him for their own profit. I think that everyone knows this, but most people are too afraid to act on it. There’s pressure coming from all directions to perpetrate this destructive tradition.

And then there’s the whole magic/lies argument, which needs no introduction. In a nutshell (hmmm, apparently it *does* need an introduction) you’ve got “I shall tell my child the truth” versus “I shall let my child believe in magic, for innocence passes so fleetingly, and magic is fun.” Both sides of the coin have their pros and cons. I’m going to play that one by ear, I think. Half of my brain wants to encourage honesty, truth and trust with my son, but the other half wants to give him a memorable childhood that is full of wonder and awe and mystery. Pffft, exaggerated shrugging action.

*Next week’s stunt post will be on the subject of Christmas decorations – look out for it on Monday.*

What I’ve watched this year

Some of these we have taped off of the television to watch later, some we have watched on DVD, and here and there I have used BitTorrent to catch episodes that I forgot to set the video for.

We don’t “channel surf” at all, so these lists represent the vast, vast majority of our TV and film consumption this year.

Shows that Karen and I watched together

* Doctor Who (series 3)
* Frasier (series 5 to 11) ((some overlap with last year))
* House (series 3 and 4)
* The IT Crowd (series 2)
* That Mitchell and Webb Look (series 1)
* My Name Is Earl (series 2 and 3)
* Outnumbered (series 1)
* Peep Show (series 1 to 4)
* The Sopranos (series 1 to 6)
* Spooks (series 1, 2 and 6)

I haven’t included shows that we just watched a couple of episodes of.

Shows that I watched on my own

* Futurama (series 1 to 4)
* Mork and Mindy (series 1)
* The Prisoner
* Red Dwarf (series 1 to 3)
* Scrubs (series 5, 6 and 7)

Films

As well as the above shows, we’ve also watched a few films. I’d estimate 30-40. Favourite films watched for the first time this year were:

* Princess Mononoke
* Mulholland Drive
* The Ladykillers
* Brazil
* The Apartment
* The Station Agent

The worst was probably The Da Vinci Code.

Categories
About Me Photos Stunt 2007

Stuff in my bag

*This is a companion piece to a similarly-themed article on Karen’s site which, all things being equal, should be published at roughly the same time.*

The contents of my bag

The contents of my bag, which I purchased 3 months ago. You can buy one just like it from the National Trust if you so desire.

The contents of my bag

(Yes, the PNG is transparent, so you can overlay it on the JPG if you so desire).

1. The bag in question. It has lots of pockets – I count seven zips in total.
2. Moleskine notebook.
3. Uh, uh, papers, um, just papers, uh, you know, uh, my papers, business papers.
4. Diary. A6 Week-to-view diary, 13 months starting from July. I’ve been using this type of diary for three years now, and it seems to have become my “thing”.
5. Second camera again. Still a Pentax Optio S30. This is where it really lives. Observe the awesome hand-knitted pouch, created by the delectable Karen.
6. Car stereo fascia. It’s a Sony, about five years old. The FM tuner seems to be broken but it can still play CDs and receive traffic announcements, so replacing it isn’t high on my agenda.
7. Binoculars. Occasionally useful, which might surprise you.
8. Sturdy reusable plastic bag. Everyone should carry one of these.
9. Keys – house, car, bike lock, office.
10. Breath mints
11. Pens. I’m using one of the beige ones at the moment, but I think that it’s nearly run out.
12. 64MB Pen drive (rarely used)
13. Phone. Motorola Razr, nearly two years old. No plans to upgrade, at present. My ringtone is “Birdhouse In Your Soul” by They Might Be Giants.
14. Mini tripod
15. Loose change
16. Lip balm. I believe that this was purchase in Amsterdam in 2003. Ugh.
17. Wallet
18. Mag-lite

Categories
Parenting

Sudo pick up your books and put them on the table

In the last few weeks, we’ve started to exploit Bernard’s ability to understand the English language. For some time, he’s been able to respond to instructions such as “Go and get a book and bring it to me” or “Fetch your teddy from the other room.”

But now we’re advancing to the next level. My favourite is “Pick up your books and put them on the table.” Upon issuing this command, Bernard very happily wanders round the living room, picking up any books that are on the floor, and placing them in a relatively neat stack on the coffee table.

Karen’s favourite is “Can you bring me a bib?” Bernard will saunter over to the coffee table, open the drawer that contains bibs, grab one, and bring it over to the dining table.

I’m trying to think of other child-friendly chores that we can start issuing to him. Any ideas?

Categories
Parenting

Facing life after losing your son

> How do I feel? It’s like a tsunami of the soul, a huge destructive overwhelming force that leaves nothing good in its wake and whose ripples surge outwards to touch all those who are near you.

As Paul puts it, in the affluent West we consider there to be a natural order of things. People die in the order that they were born. You assume that one day, you will attend your parents’ funerals, if you have not done so already.

> “No man should have to bury his son.” — *Theoden, Lord of the Rings.*

About a year ago, a 17 year old boy was killed in our town. He jumped over the barrier at the railway station because he was afraid of missing his last train home. He didn’t notice the train that was leaving the station, and it hit him at about 30mph. It happened right outside the house where we used to live. And all I could think about was his parents, and all that time and energy and love that they invested in him, only for him to throw it away.

This might sound a little morbid, but I regularly force myself to spend a minute imagining myself in the shoes of a parent who has lost a child. I read the articles that they write, not for pleasure or thrills, but because the danger exists and I do not wish to belittle it.

My mother always thought that my father was emotionally cold because he seemed, to her, so unaffected when his parents died. She would openly criticise him to me, and instruct me not to turn out like him. But as time has gone by, I’ve realised how wrong she was about him. He’s a rational man. He prepares for the worst, and hopes for the best, and if the worst does happen, then he’s the guy who keeps his head so that he can offer support where necessary. I realised that his reaction to his parents dying wasn’t due to emotional detachment, but because he had known that it was going to come, and that it was always a question of ‘when’, not ‘if’.

It strikes me that he probably also used to spend a minute every day thinking about the possibility that I, or my sister, would not make it to our 18th birthday. I don’t think that this would make him a monster. I think that it would make him a strong man, who isn’t afraid to confront the things that scare him on a daily basis. Like him, I want to be able to stare death in the face and acknowledge its power, and by doing so, also limit its power.

I know that it’s impossible to be prepared for such a tragedy. I don’t think that the human mind can possibly grasp the magnitude of the situation until it is drowning in it. But maybe I can take the edge off, slightly. If I’ve already simulated it in my mind a few thousand times, maybe it will make it easier to accept reality when all hope of return is lost. Or maybe I just do it to remind me to appreciate every day as if it is our last.

Categories
Useful Information

How big is a bacterium?

The largest common bacterium are 20 µm in length. This is 0.02mm, or 1/15240th the size of a large pizza. Trying to see a bacterium from a distance of 6 inches is like trying to see a large pizza from a distance of one and a half miles.

And that’s just the big ones.

Categories
Displeasure

An irrefutable argument that sarcasm isn’t actually the lowest form of wit

Cockney rhyming slang.

Categories
Displeasure Guidance

How To Leave Pipex: Part 2

If you are lucky, an email from customerservices@pipex.net arrives with the subject line “Migration Away Confirmation”. It contains a few paragraphs saying words to the effect of “We’re sorry you’re leaving, are you sure we can’t persuade you to change your mind?” It also contains a delicious MAC code, of the format ABCD0123456/EF78G. The email also contains a reminder that if you are still in the first 12 months of your contract then there will be a cancellation charge to pay. It would be extortion, if it weren’t for the fact that you agreed to it in the contract.

Sign up with your new ISP

This, hopefully, is the last contact that you will ever have with Pipex. All you need to do now is hop over to the website for your new supplier, enter in your details on their signup page, including this MAC code, and then choose a switchover date. It needs to be within the next 30 days, as MAC codes have an expiry date. Don’t worry about downtime – there shouldn’t be more than half an hour between the Pipex service terminating and the new service commencing.

Go to your new supplier’s web page and note down any changes to the settings that you will need for your router. You will also get an email from your new supplier with the new username and password. These will need to be entered into your router when the relevant time comes. You may find that there is an overlap, during which you can use both your old and new ISP, but it’s safest to assume that you won’t, so make sure that you have paper copies of everything that you might need.

Your new ISP should have an “Order Status” page, which you should follow on the changeover date, but the ultimate test will be to enter your new username and password into your router and try to connect.

*Continues here.*

*Part 1 is here.*