Author: pete

Categories
Music Parenting

A Minor

It makes me proud, unhealthily so, that Bernard is absolutely enthralled by my guitar.

When I bring it into the room to play him a short gig, he noticeably perks up. As I play, he listens intently. And when I am finished, and I lean it against the coffee table, he keeps watching it.

The guitar seems to exert a curious magnetic force upon him too. If I pick him up and suspend him in the air, his body twists towards it, with his legs stuck out at funny angles for balance. He will also lunge towards the headstock if it is in ((the string of words “if it is in” looks funny)) (or near) grabbing distance, which is a move that needs blocking due to the existence of six sharp ends of wire.

Who knows what he’ll be interested in when he is older. I’m not going to deter him from doing what excites him, assuming that it’s legal and wholesome ((This word has all the wrong connotations, but I haven’t got any better ideas)). But I can’t deny that I have a vested interest in music.

Note to self: in future, if Bernard *does* show an interest in learning to play the, oooh, let’s say guitar, then bear in mind that he won’t be very good, initially. Be supportive, you big oaf. I suppose this applies to all of his endeavours.

*Other possible titles for this post:*

* *Off-White Room*
* *Crapping On Heaven’s Floor*
* *Baby Got Neck (ow, let go of my jugular you little scrote)*
* *My Baby Just Cares For Breasts*
* *While My Guitar Gently Pukes On Something*

Categories
Blogging

Shaggy Blog Stories

Mike‘s plan to raise money for Red Nose Day is to compile a book (real thing, paper, once trees, ink on it) of funny blog entries. An anthology, if you will.

If you want to contribute, go here to be briefed.

I’m in. Are you?

Categories
About Me

Things that I did too much of, and too little of, at University

Too Little Radio

I got into Student Radio in the third year, and in retrospect I wish that I hadn’t left it so late. When I arrived at the University and was considering what societies to join, the radio station did cross my mind, but I decided against it for two reasons: firstly, I didn’t think I’d be any good at it (yeah, pathetic, I know) and secondly, my belief that playing the bass was all that I wanted to do. As a result, I only really got heavily involved in two societies: the one mentioned above, and the Band Society. Which I suppose should be:

Exactly The Right Amount Of Bass Playing

On a positive note, through the University’s Band Soc I joined a band called *Siamese*. Okay, we weren’t the greatest band on campus, but we weren’t bad at all. Over the course of our three years together we played 17 gigs and recorded a 3-song CD in a proper studio, and had a boatload of fun. My bandmates were thoroughly decent chaps, though our drummer Chris did get a bit violent when drunk. All in all, most satisfactory, and I wish that I’d immersed myself more deeply, rather than always pining for my band back home.

Maybe Too Much Time On The Computer

Though I had been on the Internet once or twice before, University was my first full-on exposure to it. I think I spent a lot more time on Usenet and IRC than I really had to, especially in the first year. At the time, it didn’t seem like a problem, but in retrospect it was basically time wasted. On the flipside, I do find myself wishing that I had started a blog back then.

Too Much Time Chasing The Wrong Girls

I’m not sure whether this is relevant here, because it’s actually been a curse of my teenage years, rather than specifically my time at University. Basically, I didn’t have a very good idea what I wanted from a relationship, so I wasted too much time pursuing leads that were doomed from the beginning. Had I known then what I know now, perhaps I wouldn’t have been as lonely.

Too Much Computer Games

In my second year, I used to come home at lunchtime to play *Tomb Raider*. Even if I had just two hours between lectures, I’d get on the bus, come home, spend an hour playing, and then get back on the bus into campus. Tragic. Fortunately, this problem was localised to the latter part of the 2nd year, and I had the whole thing under much better control in the third year.

Too Much Time Spent On That Dead-End Society

I’ve mentioned this before, and I see no need to repeat myself here. It’s obvious that the time that I spent as President of that society was entirely wasted.

Too Much Ranting About My Housemates

In my first year, I lived next to a guy called Matt. We got on really well, and became the best of friends. Halfway through the first year, there is a frenzy when everyone makes their plans for accommodation for the next year. Matt and I decided that we’d get a place together, and we didn’t care if we ended up paying a little more than if we’d shared with more people, ‘cos it would be the most kick-ass bachelor pad ever.

However, there was one other chap on our corridor, called Henry, who was clearly struggling to find someone to live with. Foolishly, we took pity on him and invited him to live with us. However, this plan spiralled out of control, as he, in turn, took pity on a girl on his course who was struggling to find someone to live with.

Matt and I spent most of the second year complaining at eachother about Henry and Jenny. How his poor personal hygiene, coupled with the fact that he never opened his window, meant that a stream of warm, putrid air seeped out of his bedroom whenever the door was even slightly ajar. How when Matt walked through into the sitting room every morning, Jenny would be sat watching *The Big Breakfast*, and this doesn’t sound too bad but when it’s every single day and she’s always sat upright in the same chair and she’s silent and motionless, it starts to get creepy. How Henry had a tendency to make a lot of noise around the house late at night, banging doors and plugging things into wall sockets in a very loud and bangy way. Yeah, I know, it’s all really petty stuff, which is why I wish we’d spent a bit less time getting worked up by it.

Too Little Time In The Bath

In my third year, I discovered the joy of taking a pint of Guinness and a harmonica into the bath on Sunday afternoons. In retrospect, I wish that I’d discovered it sooner.

Conclusion?

I think that I did a pretty good job of balancing time between work and play. However, I then pissed my play time up the wall. I came away with exactly the degree that I was looking for, though looking back on the relationships that I formed and the way that I developed as a person, I’m not sure that I achieved as much as I could have. Though, at the end of the day, I matured a lot as a person and I had a bloody good time (in years 1 and 3, at least), so maybe I got everything that I needed.

Categories
Music Music reviews

Recent Listening Episode IV

Here’s what I’ve been listening to since [23rd October 2006][].

[23rd october 2006]: http://pete.nu/blog/2006/10/recent-listening-time-again/

The Information **The Information** by *Beck*

I’m coming to the realisation that *Beck* was all about *Odelay* for me. Ever since then, I have listened to each subsequent album less and less. *Mutations*, *Midnite Vultures*, *Sea Change*, *Guero*… they taper off gradually. Not in terms of quality, necessarily, just in terms of how much attention I have given them.

I think it all dates back to when I was at school. I rewrote half a dozen of the songs off of *Odelay*, substituting his nonsensical lyrics with my own bat-shit crazy bollocks, probably about pencil cases and bunsen burners and something like that. This gained me some small amount of notoriety from three people. This directly led to Craig and I writing songs about masturbation and Santa Claus on my dad’s acoustic guitar, which led to us buying electric instruments, which led to us forming a band, which led to us recording an album and playing a gig, which led to more gigs, which led to… you get the picture.

Yeah, this is a very roundabout way of saying that I haven’t listened to this album much. Sorry.

Jarvis **Jarvis** by *Jarvis Cocker*

A bit disappointing really. Though some songs are superb (*Black Magic*, *Big Julie*, *From A To I* and *Fat Children* which bears a lot of resemblance to the work that he did with *Relaxed Muscle*), most of them fall into the category of being quite un-unmissable. The two songs that he wrote for Nancy Sinatra (*Don’t Let Him Waste Your Time* and *Baby’s Coming Back To Me*) also sounded much better on her album, and I don’t think he has done himself any favours by rerecording them here. Still, I’m glad that he’s back, releasing albums that I can listen to instead of faffing about with *Harry Fucking Potter* films and co-writing on obscure projects, which is admittedly probably very creatively satisfying for him but it flies beneath my radar a tad.

The Milk-Eyed Mender **The Milk-Eyed Mender** by *Joanna Newsom*

On the basis of hearing *The Sprout And The Bean* I expected to like this album, but I guess I was wrong. However, this was actually a Christmas present to Karen, so my opinion isn’t really important.

No, hold on, this is my site and my review, so you could argue that my opinion is of paramount importance.

I think that some albums hit you straight away and some grow on you gradually, and this one has the potential to grow. However, I’m struggling to find the enthusiasm to listen to it.

The Pick Of Destiny **The Pick Of Destiny** by *Tenacious D*

Listened to it once, wasn’t paying attention. I think that my time for *Tenacious D* may have passed. In time, my enthusiasm for their debut album waned, and I think that the nature of their project means that a new album won’t necessarily restore it. What do I mean by “the nature of their project”? I mean that they seem to be more character-driven than plot-driven, and so when you are tired of Tenacious D it is because you are tired of the characters, not the music.

Still, I have a great deal of respect for what they do, crossing the boundary between music and cinema in a way that few achieve. I think that Jack Black is awesome, and I probably enjoyed Nacho Libre more than is healthy.

Real Life **Real Life** by *Joan As Police Woman*

I was almost certainly in love with *Joan Wasser* before you were. Back in Spring 2005, she was accompanying*Rufus Wainwright* on tour, both as a member of his band and as his support act. Without a doubt, I have never been more captivated by the support act in my entire life. It was a display of intimacy and intensity that made my heart bounce off the walls of my chest cavity. She made me forget about Rufus entirely. Anybody who knows how I feel about Rufus will understand the significance of that.

Though this is an exceptional album, sadly it does not inspire the same emotions in me as that concert did. For example, *We Don’t Own It* sounds like the same song that she played that night, but it clearly isn’t, because the song she played that night sent shivers down my spine.

But it’s a great album, especially *Eternal Flame* (no, not a cover of a fucking Bangles song) which is, in my opinion, perfect.

Gulag Orkestar **Gulag Orkestar** by *Beirut*

I first heard of *Beirut* [back in May][] and was most impressed. When this album made Hg’s [end of year chart][], I figured that they could no longer be ignored. I find it refreshing to listen to, because I’ve always considered Eastern European music to be too far removed from my comfort zone to be enjoyable. Yet this album seems to straddle the divide, presumably because of its heritage ((made by an American who travelled)), and so listening to it makes me feel like I am expanding my horizons without making me want to run for them. Unlike…

[end of year chart]: http://www.hydragenic.com/archives/002814.shtml
[back in may]: http://www.3hive.com/2006/05/beirut_1.php

Life In Cartoon Motion **Life In Cartoon Motion** by *MIKA*

More like *Life In Satan’s Underpants*, and I don’t mean that in a *The Devil has the best tunes* sort of way. [See here][] for my earlier review of this album, in which I feel that I have said everything that needs saying. This CD has received a new lease of life as Bernard’s new shiny shiny toy. I passed it to him and said “Now take good care of that,” safe in the knowledge that it would be unplayable within no time at all. Breathe a sigh of relief.

[see here]: http://pete.nu/blog/2007/02/mika-life-in-cartoon-motion/

Neon Bible **Neon Bible** by *Arcade Fire*

Not as instantly catchy as *Funeral*, but a worthy follow-up regardless. Surprisingly, the music seems to draw a lot of influence from *Bruce Springsteen* and *Echo And The Bunnymen*, which should illustrate that this isn’t just a cheap rehash of the songs on *Funeral*, but a fresh creation from a band who are clearly going somewhere. However, like *Funeral* there is a theme that recurs throughout this album, and that theme is religious fundamentalism, and those who use their religious beliefs to bully others into submission. It’s a bit of an *issue du jour*, and I wonder whether it will affect the longevity of this album, but then there will always be religious nutbags so I guess probably not much.

Categories
Displeasure

Naughty West

Everyone knows that credit card companies hate people (like me) who pay off their balance in full, every month.

Though I could set up a direct debit to pay my credit card bill, I’ve never got round to it. Instead, for the last few years I’ve been manually logging in to NatWest Online Banking once per month to do it manually.

Recently they’ve introduced a new feature ((perhaps it was there all along, I don’t know)) to simplify this process. Instead of having to remember how much your last statement was, there is now a new screen which prepopulates this data with the balance of your most recent statement, as well as giving you the following options:

Payment Amount And Date

Yep, the default option is “Pay the minimum amount”.

Sneaky.

Categories
Parenting

Bernard Developments

I have been failing to document Bernard’s development. On the one hand, this doesn’t matter too much, as I have both (a) an in-depth photographic log and (b) Karen’s publications. But on the other hand, there are some things that get missed out, so I’m going to try to resolve that now. If you think that reading about my son will be dull, then you should probably stop now, though I’ve done my best to make it as interesting a read as possible.

Continue reading “Bernard Developments”

Yarr

Last night, a rite of passage. For the first time, I watched a proper pirated movie, by which I mean, old-skool video camera in the auditorium stylee. It’s a brand new film that is not yet available for rental, and going to the cinema just isn’t an option right now.

I was pleasantly surprised, actually. Though the colours were a little washed out and the sound quality a little impaired, it didn’t significantly detract from the experience. There were no incidents where the guy in front stood up to go to the toilet, and though the camera was a little shaky at first, it settled down after a minute or two. The image was of a very respectable resolution and quality, not like those guilt trailers would have you believe. I was very comfortable, had ample legroom, and the temperature in the auditorium was just right.

Many argue that if we don’t support the industry and their prices, then entertainment as we know it will collapse. It will happen overnight, and one day we will wake up to find that big-budget movies have left, and our only choice will be to watch home movies on YouTube. To which I say bollocks, because if people want something badly enough then they’ll be willing to pay for it, and if they aren’t willing to pay for it then they clearly don’t care. In my opinion, special effects are just garnish, and I’d actually quite like to see a level playing field, where cinema isn’t dominated by those with the deepest pockets. I also believe that these things happen in cycles, and the disappearance of the movie (or record) industry would be succeeded by the establishment of a modest new one.

Categories
Meander

Right-click, Delete

If you are Anna, you may want to consider yourself warned that this post may upset you. However, I know how inquisitive you are, and you’re going to read it anyway despite my warning, which is fair enough.

My latest mission puts me in the shoes of an *elite assassin*, or at least an *elite tracker*. An elite something, anyway. My task is to find and apprehend a small scampery foreign spy, who we believe has been deploying advanced foreign surveillance technology in our garage. Our scientists are hard at work analysing this high-tech gadgetry, which has been disguised to look like mouse poo.

The boys at the lab have come up with some very fancy cutting-edge equipment to locate and apprehend this villainous foe, including some things with lasers, some remote control thingys, a few explosive doodads and a magnetic whatchamacallit or two. For now, I have deployed a humane mouse trap with a proven record of being absolutely useless. My intention is to attempt negotiation, mutual understanding, and perhaps come to some sort of compromise that involves me getting exactly what I want. If this fails, I shall arrange for the scumbag to be kidnapped and dumped in a far-off and remote location, possibly the church yard round the corner.

We believe that we have narrowed down the spy’s hideout to two possible locations. It is only a matter of time until he makes a mistake, and when he does, we shall be there to catch him.

**UPDATIUM:** He’s onto us. Since deploying the traps, our quarry seems to have voluntarily left the vicinity. On his part, a very wise move. We shall monitor for signs of his return.

Categories
Music Music reviews

MIKA: Life In Cartoon Motion

For the last fortnight, my life has been consumed by this album. I can’t get it out of my head, so I’m going to review it in depth, as an attempt at therapy. Perhaps by recording my thoughts, my brain will not be so reluctant to keep a tight grip on them, and I may be released.

*Grace Kelly* – I’m not in love with this song, but it’s quite bearable. The chord sequence is a bit uninspired, and his voice annoys me when he goes for the high notes.

*Lollipop* – Trite lyrics, bland chord sequence and melody. Sounds like a really inappropriate advertising jingle. Hey, remember when Iceland approached Bennett to license “Mum’s Gone To Iceland” for their ad, and Bennett said “Uh, I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick, mate.”

*My Interpretation* – Please, kill me now. This is one of the most boring songs that I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s like Robbie Williams but without the charm, and I never thought that I’d say that.

*Love Today* – Chorus lyrics so bland that I can’t believe that he is actually of sound body and mind, and aware of what he is singing. This song does not do a single thing of interest – just coasts along from start to end with minimal effort. And his voice still annoys me when he goes for the high notes. It just sounds hideously unpleasant.

*Relax (Take It Easy)* – This song is good one of the best on the album. It’s not *good*, but in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

*Any Other World* – Biggest pile of shit imaginable. The lyrics are really earnest, in a very annoying way, with words clearly inserted just for the sake of satisfying a rhyming scheme, and then repeated a few times to make it seem more substantial than it is. The lack of imagination that went into the music shows Mika up as the talentless soon-to-be-nobody that he is. This song reminds me of the bad bits of Elton John.

*Billy Brown* – The verse sounds like Penny Lane crossed with a nursery rhyme, so he’s getting zero points for that. I usually like songs that tell a story, but this one doesn’t tell it with any panache at all – any appeal that this song may have is solely in the underlying concept.

*Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)* – I’m not going to make the obvious reference to Fat Bottomed Girls, because it’s already been done a few times already. However, I will note that if you listen to this song carefully, you get the impression that Mika sounds like he is actually being quite sarcastic, and is clearly trying to suggest that big girls are NOT beautiful. He’s clearly taking the piss. Incidentally, this song also dispels any doubts about Mika’s sexuality, because he sings about sex with women with absolutely zero discernible enthusiasm. The music is pretty good though, but again it suffers from having little dynamic – it just starts, continues, then stops.

*Stuck In The Middle* – Good song. The lyrics actually seem to have some weight. I’d recommend this one.

*Happy Ending* – Another boring ballad. No risks, no imagination, no effort, no investment. Just no.

*Over My Shoulder* – Shows a great deal of promise, but his voice just doesn’t seem to have the strength to carry the high notes convincingly.

I can’t remember ever being so agitated about an album in my life. Normally, when I dislike something, I can easily dismiss it, but there’s something about all the hype surrounding Mika that makes me furious every time I see his name. I want to grab people by the shoulders and shake some sense into them. I wonder if I’m living in my own personal hell, where this is all a joke that has been concocted at my expense, and you’re all finding it really funny watching me get so irate.

But then, on the other hand, maybe my fury stems from the fact that it could be the other way round. What if other people are seeing something in Mika that I can’t? And I wish that I could listen to his album a bit more, so that I could see it too, but the truth is that every time I put the CD on in my car it makes me want to drive into oncoming traffic.

I take solace in the fact that this second theory is incorrect, and that I am almost certainly right about Mika, and hence in a few months he’ll be known as “Mika. Mika? Oh, that Mika. I’d forgotten all about him.”

Mika has been compared to the Scissor Sisters, but he isn’t as good as the Scissor Sisters. He has been compared to Freddie Mercury, but he doesn’t possess a fraction of Freddie’s talent or enthusiasm. I’ve compared him to Robbie Williams, which I admit is damning with faint praise. And anyone who compares him to Rufus Wainwright is clearly barking mad. If you are considering listening to this album, I’d strongly suggest that you listen to a bit of Scissor Sisters, a bit of Queen, and a bit of Rufus Wainwright instead – you’ll enjoy it much more.

If Mika, or Mika’s people, are reading this article, I’d like to stress that I have nothing against Mika as a person (I am sure that if we found ourselves on opposite sides of a pub table with a couple of beers, we’d get on famously), and I’m not so blinkered as to rule out the possibility of enjoying his future work (in spite of my prediction, above); but Life In Cartoon Motion is, out of all the albums that I have ever heard in my life, definitely the one that has had the most destructive effect on my sanity.

Categories
IAMOWIM

A hearing test

Karen’s been nagging me to do something about my hearing for a while. I’ve always had difficulty hearing her. At first, I used to ask her to repeat herself. She would roll her eyes and tell me to do something about my hearing, and then obligingly repeat what she’d said, only clearer. After a few years of having to repeat almost every single sentence that she spoke, this gradually (and understandably) transformed into “(sigh) Nothing.”

In recent times, the accumulated misery has forced me to experiment with a couple of other responses. The first is to repeat back what I think she has said. This is hilarious for me. “You need me to batter the moon?” Hilarious. Sometimes, when I’m not feeling as funny, I’ll employ my second response, which is to just ignore her. This is a very dangerous arrangement, as I occasionally miss something important. So far, I don’t seem to have missed anything important enough to be life-threatening, but it has earned me a few nags.

Also, when driving around in the car, I find myself having to frequently turn the car stereo down to understand her. Here’s a little story that even she doesn’t know: the first time that this happened, I found it incredibly frustrating. Every time I turned the stereo down, it felt like she would talk a little quieter, so I got more and more agitated until it was practically turned off. Though, to be fair, she may just have been trying to subtly hint to me that my music was too loud. Tangent ends, and I hope that it doesn’t result in me sleeping on the sofa tonight, which would be a shame, because last night we had the sex and it was ace. Ditto for THAT aside.

So I finally succumbed, and while I was at the doctor a few months ago having my toe looked at, I asked my GP if I could have my hearing investigated. I’ve always had difficulty understanding speech in noisy surroundings, and I’ve listened to a lot of loud music in my time, so I felt that it was worth investigating the possibility that all this is related.

This morning I went to the hospital for an appointed hearing test. The doctor asked me a few questions, which I tried to answer honestly. I was asked if I hear any noises in my head, and I said that yes, I have this moderately high-pitched whistling that I hear when there’s no other sound. I was asked if I’d had any exposure to loud noises, and I said yes I’d probably played more loud music than I should have, but it’s hard to avoid when you’re the one on the stage. She asked if I ever wore earplugs on these occasions, to which I replied, completely honestly, “sometimes”.

I was placed into a soundproof box and given a pair of headphones and a button on a wire like what the weathermen have. I was told to press the button when I hear a noise, and keep it held until the noise stops. The test, it began.

The noises were of varying pitch and duration, and both ears were tested separately. As the noises got quieter and I strained to hear them, my headwhistling was joined by a kind of mechanical clanking that I had forgotten to mention to the doctor earlier. “Must remember to mention that to the doctor when I get out of this box,” I thought to myself. Of course, I didn’t want to forget this, which meant that my test results for the left ear were inaccurate as my attention was diverted.

I got out of the box and mentioned the clanking to the doctor. “Does it give you any difficulty, at all?” she asked and I said only when taking hearing tests. “Thank goodness you don’t have to take them too often then,” she said with a smile.

The results indicated that both ears were showing frequency response within normal ranges between 250 and 8000 Hz. “So,” said the doctor, “your hearing is fine. Your problems with hearing speech in busy environments could be due to Obscure Auditory Dysfunction.”

“Ah right,” I said, slightly ashamed that I was swelling the population of People With Wishy Washy Problems That Don’t Deserve A Clinical Name Yet Inexplicably Have One.

“There’s no treatment for it, but I can give you this leaflet with some useful tips on it.”

I looked at the leaflet and guffawed.

“*Make sure there is enough light falling on the face of the speaker and there is nothing obscuring their face.* That’s brilliant. Sheer genius.”

“Yes, it’s possibly not much use to you in a nightclub…”

“No, on the contrary. I can go up to the bar and say *Excuse me, can you turn the lights up a bit? I’m having difficulty understanding what my friends are saying…*”

The doctor’s blonde hair fell delicately over her shoulder as she tossed her head back and laughed at my hilarious joke.

“Any questions?” she asked. I opened my mouth.

“…about the hearing test?”

“Ah, about the hearing test. Uh, no.”

She offered me a referral to another department, where they could offer me further guidance on coping with my serious and depilating illness, but I said that for now, it wouldn’t be necessary. I’m content to go home and bask in the fact that I was right all along.