The Evolution of a Language

Howdy there, pardners.

Seeing as y’all did such a dang good job of myoo-tilatin’ that thar English lang-yoo-age, we’re a-gonna implement a few more li’l changes in the style of them that we’ve already done.


Since no-one seemed to bat an eyelid with the whole *Fall* thing, we’re gonna proceed with the original plan. As of now, you’ll refer to the other three seasons as *Snow*, *Flowers* and *Sun*. Yeeha.


Having done the whole *Pants* thing, I feel we’ve got to keep them thar dang British English speakers on their toes, y’hear? As of now, you’ll obey the following:

1. A *shirt* is now that thing that you wear on your feet to keep your toes warm.
2. A *bracelet* is one of those things that you punch through your earlobe to make you look purdy.
3. A *cummerbund* is that thing what motorcyclists wear to stop their brains getting all smashed up when they hit the ass-phalt.
4. A *shoe* is that little strip of floss what strippers wear to make themselves look purdy.

Failing to observe the above will mean you are un-American. You ain’t un-American, are you, pardner? No, I thought as not. Yeeha.


Despite some initial resistance, we’ve succeeded in sneaking those pesky letter ‘u’ characters out of such words as *color*, *honor* and *flavor*. However, we’ve now got a big pile of ‘u’ characters stored up in a warehouse in Detroit, and they’re starting to smell strange. To clear the stockpile, we’ve gotta put them back in. To speed up the process, we recommend y’all throw in a few extras too. So, you can spell it *coluour*, *coluuuuuour* or *ucuuuuuoluuuuuuuouuuuur* – all these will be accepted. Yeeha.


Continuing the vein of naming places after what they sell (I mean, what in the hell is a pharmacy supposed to be? Sheeat.) we’re a-gonna do some more of that there changing. So a bank is now a moneystore, a theatre is an actorstore, a butcher is a meatstore, and a train station is now a trainridestore.


*Disclaimer: some of my best friends are American. And yes, I’m aware of the fact that [Americans didn’t invent Fall](*