The Evolution of a Language

Howdy there, pardners.

Seeing as y’all did such a dang good job of myoo-tilatin’ that thar English lang-yoo-age, we’re a-gonna implement a few more li’l changes in the style of them that we’ve already done.


Since no-one seemed to bat an eyelid with the whole *Fall* thing, we’re gonna proceed with the original plan. As of now, you’ll refer to the other three seasons as *Snow*, *Flowers* and *Sun*. Yeeha.


Having done the whole *Pants* thing, I feel we’ve got to keep them thar dang British English speakers on their toes, y’hear? As of now, you’ll obey the following:

1. A *shirt* is now that thing that you wear on your feet to keep your toes warm.
2. A *bracelet* is one of those things that you punch through your earlobe to make you look purdy.
3. A *cummerbund* is that thing what motorcyclists wear to stop their brains getting all smashed up when they hit the ass-phalt.
4. A *shoe* is that little strip of floss what strippers wear to make themselves look purdy.

Failing to observe the above will mean you are un-American. You ain’t un-American, are you, pardner? No, I thought as not. Yeeha.


Despite some initial resistance, we’ve succeeded in sneaking those pesky letter ‘u’ characters out of such words as *color*, *honor* and *flavor*. However, we’ve now got a big pile of ‘u’ characters stored up in a warehouse in Detroit, and they’re starting to smell strange. To clear the stockpile, we’ve gotta put them back in. To speed up the process, we recommend y’all throw in a few extras too. So, you can spell it *coluour*, *coluuuuuour* or *ucuuuuuoluuuuuuuouuuuur* – all these will be accepted. Yeeha.


Continuing the vein of naming places after what they sell (I mean, what in the hell is a pharmacy supposed to be? Sheeat.) we’re a-gonna do some more of that there changing. So a bank is now a moneystore, a theatre is an actorstore, a butcher is a meatstore, and a train station is now a trainridestore.


*Disclaimer: some of my best friends are American. And yes, I’m aware of the fact that [Americans didn’t invent Fall](*

11 replies on “The Evolution of a Language”

Coincidence – I was following the “seasons” train of thought the other day too.

I think it was sparked by hearing the lyrics of that song “Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall, All you have to do is call…” on the radio. I started thinking of alternative season names, but I kept with verbs: Die, Sleep, Grow and Fall.

I would like to suggest the implementation of more silly words such as “pantyhose.” How on earth did they come up with that?

Also, since biscuits become cookies, and then the word biscuits is used only for dogfood and lumpy stuff that southerners eat, perhaps we could name food after the way it is cooked. Except that then everything would have to be called a cookie, unless it’s a salad. In which case it could be a not-cookie.

If we’re going to start naming food after manner of preparation, we should accept more categories. The things called ‘cookie’ are particularly a kind of bakie, as opposed to all the roasties, fryies, boilies, grillies, steamies and so on.

Adrian, what consititutes ‘successful use’ of ‘whorestore’?

Use it in a sentence, at work, but without getting fired.

Bonus pints for using it in a powerpoint presentation.

Double strength pints if that presentation is a client pitch.

When I was young the oulfellas in my local area referred to the local pub as the ‘pint shop’. Note this is distinct from ‘liquor store’.

As for the seasons, why not ‘grow’, ‘bloom’, ‘fall’ and ‘dead’?

And a brothel should really be a ‘fuckstore’, as you don’t buy a whore in a brothel (well, maybe you rent one). Extra bonus double pints for using that in a Powerpoint presentation.

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