Tag: Beckham

Categories
Gardening

England vs Somebody: Liveblogged!

*Updates will appear at the top.*

**1:48:** Update completed! A few small checks, and then I’m off to the pub for a celebratory pint.

Thanks for joining me for my liveblogging of… something dreadfully exciting. Whatever it was.

**1:29:** The update continues to trundle along at a leisurely pace. The new Ubuntu theme has been installed, so I’m now seeing the new-style window borders and icons, and they are quite pretty.

The battery on this laptop is starting to run low, and I’m reluctant to distract my Ubuntu machine while it is busy, so I may disappear for a while. Perhaps I’ll hunt down the AC adapter for this little fella, or perhaps I’ll go out into the garden and enjoy the sun.

**1:21:** I’ve been positively bukkaked in semaphore for the last 34 minutes. People have been asking when I’m going to post some photos of the neighbour’s cat unfolding paper aeroplanes. Well, I’m sorry to say this, but the paper cut that the cat received was a lot more serious than we initially thought, and the poor pussycat has bled completely dry.

There will be a funeral service on Monday.

Does anyone know of a good cat blood removal service?

Continue reading “England vs Somebody: Liveblogged!”
Categories
In The News

Rumours about David Beckham

David Beckham has issued a statement to say there was “absolutely no truth” in rumours about him on the internet.

However, it’s not so simple as this. Apparently, no-one is allowed to even mention this rumour, as it will result in legal action. So what we effectively have here is a case of “I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but whatever it is, it isn’t true!”

In the absence of knowing what this rumour actually is, I have been forced to make a few up.

* David Beckham is 45 years old
* David Beckham shares 40% of his DNA with goats
* Under his skin, David Beckham is actually composed entirely of anhydrous Copper Sulphate (CuSO4), and if water were to penetrate his skin then it would initiate an exothermic reaction and he would turn bright blue (CuSO4.5H2O).
* David Beckham created a robotic replica of himself back in 1998, and has actually not left Detroit since then.
* David Beckham always keeps a rasher of bacon in his left shoe for luck.
* David Beckham has to shave the left side of his face three times as often as the right side of his face.
* David Beckham’s pecker is made of gooooold.
* David Beckham once got into a fight with Charlotte Church. Apparently it was only broken up when he pulled a knife.
* David Beckham has only four toes on his right foot.
* David Beckham has never been to Iceland.

Categories
Food

It was a slapstick morning

Whilst holding an IM conversation, I totally forgot about my toast. My toaster has a fantastic feature, whereby if you use the “defrost and toast” routine, it totally neglects to turn itself off after however long you specify. I wonder whether this was a deliberate addition to its specification.

The byproduct of this neglect can be seen in figure 1:

Burnt toast
*Fig. 1*

…and, for that matter, in figure 2:

Smoky kitchen
*Fig. 2*

After crawling around my kitchen on my hands and knees, and finally getting all the windows open and every extractor fan turned on, I resigned myself to going back to bed to read another chapter of [The Straw Men][] by Michael Marshall Smith.

[the straw men]: http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0006499988/

Half an hour later the doorbell buzzed. I picked up the intercom, thinking that it was going to be some helpful and concerned neighbour telling me that there was smoke pouring out of my windows.

“Hello?”

*”Parcel.”*

“Come on up.”

I then struggled to get into my dressing gown. Well, my left arm found the sleeve normally occupied by my right arm. Hilarity ensued as I attempted to fashion a sarong out of the asymmetrically distributed fabric. I opened the door looking like David Beckham, only probably a lot less presentable (and I never thought that I would be able to say that).

I took the parcel, signed for it, and returned back into my flat.

And stubbed my toe on *everything*.

Uh, that’s it. But what more could you want?