Categories
IAMOWIM Meander

Not the evening that I had in mind

So, I’m a big old fool who broke his toe earlier and has subsequently spent the entire evening in the waiting room at the hospital, along with his poor long-suffering wife and child.

But I was witness to the best game of Snakes and Ladders ever, which I absolutely must tell you all about.

Two young boys, I presume brothers, approached the king-size S&L board painted on the floor in the waiting room. Well, technically the older one dragged the younger one by his sleeve, but that’s just a detail really.

The older brother announced “Right, I’m 11, so I move 11 squares. 1, 2, 3…” and so forth until he was stood on square 11. He then moved up the ladder to 14. “…and you’re 4, so you move to 4.”

He reached across to his brother, grabbed his sleeve, and manhandled him onto square number 4.

The game continued, each turn the older brother advancing by 11 and the younger brother by 4. I wasn’t paying heaps of attention, but I was aware of the older brother when he hit the final square and still had a few steps left to take, so he backed up a few squares.

Then it struck me – to get an exact landing on the final square from 11 paces, the older brother would have to be moving from square 11. And that square had a ladder on it that led to 14. It was absolutely impossible for the older brother to win.

My wry smile turned to a grin when I realised that his younger brother was currently 4 squares back from a ladder which led to square 18. In two moves, the younger brother would land exactly on the final square.

And so it came to pass. The younger brother couldn’t believe that he had won. The older brother couldn’t believe that he hadn’t. After all, the whole game was stacked so that he’d win, right? 11 against 4? How could it end up like this.

The Snakes are a fickle mistress, yes, but do not assume that the Ladders can do you no harm.

Categories
Parenting

The Bathtime Routine

I usually walk through the door at about 6:15pm, and take a tired, miserable, drooling baby out of Karen’s arms. I bounce him for a few minutes, which usually is enough to give everyone in the house a little smile for a while. Then, at 6:30pm, it is time for Bernard’s bath.

I take him upstairs and deposit him in his cot while I start the bath filling. He amuses himself with a ladybird or flower while I do this. Then I return to his room, and transfer him to the changing table to undress him. He’s quite ticklish, so this usually degenerates into giggles.

Continue reading “The Bathtime Routine”
Categories
Music

Break The Peg (Diddle Iddle Iddle Um)

The band

The band in question, on the date in question.

I finally got round to replacing the broken tuning peg on my guitar. Five years, three months and seven days ago, when the band were round at the windmill jamming with the Hoff ((no, not David Hasselhoff. I’m talking about a guy who was the Hoff long before David H was a twinkle in his parents’ eyes)), my dad borrowed my guitar for a quick strum or eight. He turned round too quickly, bashed the headstock into a cymbal or something, and cracked the tuning peg which fell off its stalk.

I superglued it back together, but it never really gripped the stalk as tightly as it should, and had a tendency to fall off at most inopportune moments. It’s a miracle that I never lost it altogether.

Old tuning peg

I was in the music shop looking for guitar string polish, when I saw a pack of six Gibson-style tuning pegs on the wall ((you can’t buy them separately, which is probably one of the reasons why I never got round to replacing it before)) and decided that since I am no longer a poor student, I can probably afford £13.99 for the sake of getting it sorted out at long last.

See if you can tell which is the new one.

New tuning peg

Categories
Music Original Music

Man

I’ve been feeling the distant aroma of inspiration for the first time in years.

This is a song that has been brewing over the last few evenings, and once Bernard was bathed, and Karen’s mug of camomile tea on her bedstand ((incidentally, dear, we’re out of camomile tea. I’ve left the box out on the side)), I hermitted my way into my new Man Cave and surrounded myself with a warm blanket of leads and plectra.

The quality of the end product betrays how little I’ve been practising lately. This one comes from the only-one-shot-allowed school of vocals, and it wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for a particularly windy ‘P’ that ruins everything. Mea cauliflower.

I call it “Man”, due to a little line that crept into my ear and demanded inclusion. I think the thought process that caused this was White Russian => Big Lebowski => line in question.

Uhm, what else? I think that’s about enough. Listen to it now.

(mp3 no longer online – email me if you are interested)

Categories
Meander

First gym visit in some time

I went to the gym tonight, for the first time in a while.

How long is a while, you ask? Well, here’s a clue. I approached the counter, and handed my card to the soulless zombie behind the counter. “Gym, please.” I polited. She swiped the card.

“Braains,” she responded. Not really, what she actually said was “Uhm, you do realise that your account has expired?”

I felt that a “no” was implicit, so I didn’t say it. However, I wasn’t really surprised. I had had an inkling. It had been a while, you see. And I keep promising to tell you how long a while, but I never do. Sorry. Hang on in there.

“When, exactly?” I thought about asking. So I did.

She looked at her screen briefly. “Eleven oh eight?” she asked. This is not normally a question, but on this occasion it was. I assume that this can be explained by the presence of a silent “wtf?”

Clearly she wasn’t talking about 11:08am this morning. I assure you, nor am I. Now you start to get a picture about roughly how long a while is.

“Ah,” I said. And for good measure, an “eeeh” and a “hmnmm” and a “braains.”

Paused for thinkage.

“I don’t actually have my credit card with me, so I can’t renew right now. How much would it cost me to go in as a non-member?”

Tippity tappity chrunk klakkata. “Six ninety five.”

“I don’t have that on me either. Is there any… way… kinda…”

“Give me five ten and renew next time you’re in.”

And we’re in.

Inside the gym, I hop on a bike and manage about eight minutes before combined boredom and exhaustion fell me, so I wander off to do some pumping of the old ferrous. At some stage, I find myself in a corner, many metres away from anyone else, with a small bubble worming around in my colon.

The coast is clear. I can get away with it. Gently, I allow the bubble to depart from between my buttock cheeks. It emerges stealthily, like a ninja. However, much like the Spanish Inquisition, it has the element of surprise on its side. What it lacks in volume or grand entrances, it more than makes up for in maliciousness. It is, in a word, ferocious.

At this point, I spot a fellow gym-goer coming my way. “Oh no,” I moan internally. My brain starts performing calculations that involve inverse square laws, not that it would make any difference to the outcome. I say a silent prayer for the poor woman who is walking into my cloud of doom.

My salvation arrives in the form of a couple of moderately well built yet hideously ugly young men, who also choose to patronise my corner at that moment. I play both sides against the other with deft use of facial expressions, making it clear that though they may be suffering, they have no idea what I myself am going through, being as I am much closer to the despicable perpetrator. My cunning ruse works, and the rest of the session passes without incident.

And then it is time to walk home. I realise that my favourite aspect of going to the gym is the walk there, and the walk back. It gives me an opportunity to be well and truly alone, that kind of solitude that can not be attained in a shared office or with someone in the bedroom upstairs. It gives me a chance to do some aimless thinking, which there hasn’t been enough of between these ears lately. My brain drafts this post, and delivers it with a wink.

Categories
In The News

Your Monday Challenge

> Police officers in Staffordshire have been working in shifts to pour 2,500 cans of beer and hundreds of bottles of spirits and champagne down a toilet.

Firstly, read all about it here.

Then, see if you can think of a better way of disposing of all these alcoholic beverages. Leave your ideas in the comments.

Categories
Fiction

Woohoo! NaNoWriMo!

“Great,” thought the lonely mug tree, “just when I thought I’d got the measure of this kitchen, they go and mess it all up again.”

He paused.

“Fuck,” he added, to make sure that anyone reading his thoughts would garner the impression that he was mature enough to know how to swear, but not hoity toity enough not to. Plus, he wanted to court controversy, and secretly wanted his thoughts to be banned.

Just then, a very heavy lorry trundled down the small residential cul-de-sac, rattling the windows and agitating the neighbourhood pussycats. The mug tree was startled by the event, and found himself bounced millimetrewise closer to the edge of the formica.

Continue reading “Woohoo! NaNoWriMo!”
Categories
About Me

Resolution Conclusions

A debrief on my New Years Resolutions for 2006.

1: Steve

I wrote [here][] about my resolution to get to know Steve, my neighbour. I did actually talk to him over the garden fence once, on the subject of disposal of garden waste. And then I moved house. And so did he. So I think I’ve done as well as could be expected.

[here]: http://pete.nu/blog/2006/01/bitten-in-the-posterior-by-an-abstraction/

2: Read less

I also resolved to read less. In 2005, I read 33 books. So far, in 2006 I have read 11. Result.

3: Be More Aragorn

This was always a very fuzzy goal, especially as I never precisely defined what the terms mean. It’s going to be hard to know whether I succeeded or not. I have built a lot of flat-packed furniture this year, and I think Aragorn would approve of that, so let’s call it a success.

4: Eat more chilli con carne

We got off to a good start on this one, having chilli every Sunday night. But then with the arrival of Bernard, we were a little less organised, and it’s fallen on our priorities list.

Still, I’m pretty sure that I ate more chilli con carne this year than last. So let’s call that one a success too.

5: Work through the exercises in Fretless Bass: A Hands-On Guide Including Fundamentals, Techniques, Grooves and Solos by Bunny Brunel and Josquin de Pres

I managed to make it most of the way through this book. But hey, there are still a couple of months of the year left, so perhaps it is not too late.

Categories
Computing Displeasure

Pipex Taking Their Sweet Time

Here are the emails that have been exchanged between [Pipex][] and myself so far (automated responses excluded). Names have been replaced by initials.

[pipex]: http://www.pipex.co.uk/

> **Sent:** 14 September 2006 11:53
> **To:** customerservices@pipex.net
>
> Customer Services,
>
> I have a payment from my credit card to PIPEX INTERNET to the value of £35.19, dated 11 September 2006. This payment for such a high value is completely unexpected. I am concerned that it might not be legitimate, in which case I will have to phone my bank and cancel my cards. Please get back to me as soon as possible regarding this payment.

The reply came six days later.

> **Sent:** 22 September 2006 11:10
> **From:** customerservices@pipex.net
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> Thank you for your email
>
> This includes the zone alarm fee which has been charged in error, I have sent a request to my finance team who will have this refunded back to you, please allow 28 days
>
> I thank you in advance for your patience
>
> Kind regards
>
> SS
> Customer Services

All good. Three days later, I noticed another erroneous transaction on my account. The snowball starts to roll down the hill…

Continue reading “Pipex Taking Their Sweet Time”
Categories
Music Music reviews

Recent Listening Time Again

The last one of these was on the [22nd May 2006][]. I haven’t been getting much opportunity to listen to music, so this is probably going to be the last one of these this year.

[22nd may 2006]: http://pete.nu/blog/2006/05/more-recent-listening/

Sam's Town **Sam’s Town** by *The Killers*

This album starts to take off on its third listen (with the exception of *Bones* which, if you have any taste, will make you shiver with glee right off the bat). Oh, sure, you can go through it highlighting the influences (“This one sounds like *Franz Ferdinand*, that one sounds like *Meatloaf*, this one sounds like *Bruce Springsteen*, that one sounds like *Queen*, this one sounds like *The Cars*…”) but that’s just miserable. Let go of your pretentions, and this is actually a most enjoyable collection of songs. It gets off to a good start, and with each song that passes you think to yourself “Yep, I like that one.” And so on until track 5, *For Reasons Unknown*, which starts off dreadfully, but straightens itself out gradually. It then proceeds in good fashion, peaking at track 8 (the aforementioned *Bones*). The remainder of the album is unremarkable, but to be honest, I think that eight consecutive successes is an acceptable result.

Lyrically, for the most part this album does nothing for me. Apart from when their delusions of profoundness make me squirm a little. I recommend that you avoid listening too carefully to them.

Twelve Stops And Home **Twelve Stops And Home** by *The Feeling*

This made a great first impression, but I rapidly lost interest in it. Many of the melodies are fabulously catchy, true, but once you’ve heard them once, the element of surprise is gone. There also seems to be a lack of cohesiveness about the album – by the time you get to the end, it bears no resemblance to the beginning, and there’s nothing to tie it together, meaning that it bursts and squelches about on the floor like a burst paper bag of sausages. There seems to be no depth here at all, no intimacy, no clues indicating who *The Feeling* really are.

I’m most disappointed, especially as initially, songs like *I Want You Now* and *Fill My Little World* sounded fan-bloody-tastic.

Idlewild **Idlewild** by *Outkast*

Before I commence this review, I should warn you that I’ve listened to this once and not paid any attention at all.

This is an album of songs. There are some songs, in a specific order, that comprise this album. It is made by *Outkast*, who are two men. One of them is a man, and the other is also a man. They make music, such as the music that appears on this album. The album comes in the form of a CD, which you put in your CD player. There is also a case to protect the CD against scratches and other such damage.

*(**UPDATE:** Okay, I’ve listened to it a bit more. It’s bloody good.)*

Castaways and Cutouts **Castaways and Cutouts** by *The Decemberists*

This is actually over three years old now, but I’ve only just got round to getting it. I was less than pleased with [Picaresque][], but this is much more up my street. I feel like it has a bit more delicateness, a bit less in-your-face. It’s no secret that *The Decemberists*’ big strength is their lyrics, and sadly I’m someone who doesn’t always listen to music in situations that enable me to give the lyrics my undivided attention.

[picaresque]: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Picaresque-Decemberists/dp/B0009VAEW4/

Under The Iron Sea **Under The Iron Sea** by *Keane*

This grew on me, and I have to say that I ended up liking it more than I expected to. I found the first album to be reasonably pleasant to listen to, but it didn’t have the power to excite me. I think I prefer this one. If you listen to them side by side, it makes the songs on the debut album sound unfinished, like they had a good idea but hadn’t really taken it to its conclusion. This album, however, sounds like a lot more effort went into it.

At this point I was going to write that there are some less-than-memorable tracks. I put the album on so that I could shuffle through and identify them, only to discover that I was wrong. The reason that they are less-than-memorable is that they don’t exist. Every single song on here has the power to hook its claws into your brain and possess you for a while. However, on the flipside, I will say that there isn’t a broad variety of sounds on this album, so your 12 songs do sometimes feel a bit like 8.

If you have the patience, you need to give this album at least five listens for it to realise its potential. I was still most indifferent after two listens, but fortunately I am too lazy to change the CD in my car, so I listened to it a third time and the tables started to turn.