It’s topical, it’s here and now, it’s pretty bloody exciting, no?
> Police officers in Staffordshire have been working in shifts to pour 2,500 cans of beer and hundreds of bottles of spirits and champagne down a toilet.
Firstly, read all about it here.
Then, see if you can think of a better way of disposing of all these alcoholic beverages. Leave your ideas in the comments.
In the latest NME, they have compiled a list of the top 50 coolest people. There seems to be pretty much no restriction on your profession or nationality, but certainly there are no faces in there that haven’t been shoved down our throats by the NME for the last year. No surprises there. We are in absolutely no doubt as to what opinions we should have. Good good.
I am a tad upset by the inclusion of Pete Doherty of Libertines fame as joint number one with Carl Barat, also of Libertines fame. I am sick to the back teeth of the Libertines. The music would be just about acceptable, but the fact that the NME quite clearly want to wriggle up their arses and hop about until they squirt is just plain dull. I take solace in the fact that they are just a passing fad, the One True Voice of “credible” rock.
Okay, no disrespect to the Libertines. Though I doubt that my vitriol will trouble them, they don’t deserve it. I manage to make it through most days without losing my head and throwing a little fit at some band or another, but goddamn it the NME made me do it. They just won’t. Shut. Up. Much like me.
Anyway, my point.
The NME say “Pete Doherty is here *despite* his drug addiction.” The emphasis has not been added by myself. Still, I sense that regardless of how heartfelt or sincere such a remark is, it’s going to have the same effect as the disclaimer on the KaZaA website that says “You may not use KaZaA to transfer copyrighted materials without the permission of the copyright holder.”
“Kids” will read this article. They will see that Pete Doherty, who has been mentioned in 52 issues of the NME in the last year, every single time with some reference to his crack habit in the article, is the coolest guy. The coolest guy in rock? The coolest guy in England? No. The coolest guy. No further qualification.
*Call me cynical…*
You’re cynical, Pete.
…but the only reason that the Libertines are so beloved by the NME is because of the tensions within the band that came about as a direct result of Pete Doherty’s chemical abuse. And that’s why they are the coolest guys. Crack habit leads to people falling out, leads to thrilling news stories, leads to recognition. After all, the NME couldn’t talk about them nonstop for the whole year and then not put them at the top of every poll, could they?
No. Because then they’d be seen as being fickle, having forgotten the Libertines already.
Well, to be honest, I can’t wait for January, when all of the end-of-year polls are out of the way, and the Libertines can discreetly fade from view. Because there has been too much glamorisation of drugs this year, accompanied by some 2pt Flyspeck saying “By the way, we don’t think drugs are cool, contrary to everything we’ve written above.”
Pioneer 10’s power source has finally decayed to the point that we probably won’t be receiving any more signals from it, so off it goes, spiralling into the black void (read all about it).
I wonder what will happen when it gets discovered by aliens, which we all know are real and exist somewhere and communicate by telepathy.
Maybe they will think that Pioneer 10 is an old crippled human warrior, lost on his way home from battle. And they will be able to trace its source, and will be surprised when they arrive on Earth to find that the dominant species (and I use this term very carefully, reserving the right to change it at a later date) are carbon-based.
Or maybe they will just say “Wow, how DO those Earthlings manage to pick up such a weak signal? Evidently they must know that we are here, and this craft is clearly a declaration of their technological superiority, and a prelude to war. Quick! Pre-emptive strike!”
And so the aliens will rush over to Earth, all tooled up and ready for a ruck, only to find that we have all been killed already, because some guy with a hard-on for fighting managed to get into power.
However, it’s not so simple as this. Apparently, no-one is allowed to even mention this rumour, as it will result in legal action. So what we effectively have here is a case of “I don’t know what you’ve heard about me, but whatever it is, it isn’t true!”
In the absence of knowing what this rumour actually is, I have been forced to make a few up.
* David Beckham is 45 years old
* David Beckham shares 40% of his DNA with goats
* Under his skin, David Beckham is actually composed entirely of anhydrous Copper Sulphate (CuSO4), and if water were to penetrate his skin then it would initiate an exothermic reaction and he would turn bright blue (CuSO4.5H2O).
* David Beckham created a robotic replica of himself back in 1998, and has actually not left Detroit since then.
* David Beckham always keeps a rasher of bacon in his left shoe for luck.
* David Beckham has to shave the left side of his face three times as often as the right side of his face.
* David Beckham’s pecker is made of gooooold.
* David Beckham once got into a fight with Charlotte Church. Apparently it was only broken up when he pulled a knife.
* David Beckham has only four toes on his right foot.
* David Beckham has never been to Iceland.