Parenting Peril

First Terrifying Nappy Change Tale

For those of you who aren’t interested in such anecdotes, I’ve done you the favour of leaving it after the jump.

Bernard awakes from his afternoon nap of 3.5 hours. It has been 7 hours since his last nappy change, so we figure that’s a good place to start. I bring in a clean changing mat cover from the washing line, and set up the changing station in the bathroom. The station consists of [the mat][], with a cotton cover, and a muslin square on top. Necessary apparatus is arranged around.

[the mat]:

Karen brings Bernard in and places him on the mat. We open the nappy. It contains a small quantity of solids and is generously wet. The nappy is retired to the appropriate bag, and I wipe the little guy’s arse etc. I pass Bernard to Karen to have vaseline applied to his bum. Suddenly disaster strikes, and a torrent of baby poo gushes forth.

Karen and I retain our composure. We fold the muslin over a few times so that he isn’t wading in his own filth, and I reclean his bum. I turn him so that his arse is pointing towards Karen, and she prepares, for the second time, to apply the vaseline.

“Don’t do it right now…” she prays.

God laughs uproariously, flicks his cigarette butt out of the window and snorts another line of coke. He presses the button on his console marked “Baby Poo” and another portion bubbles out.

Karen and I collapse into helpless laughter, completely unable to prevent Bernard from wiping his feet through his own puddle of mustard. We leave him to it for a while and then fill his wee ((as in, little)) bath.

The remainder of the nappy change proceeds without incident. Changing mat cover and muslin square are thrown into the washing machine on “rinse”.

Perhaps the title for this post should have been “I see a white sheet, and I want to stain it yellow.”

8 replies on “First Terrifying Nappy Change Tale”

Rule #1 of babies: they *will* poo or pee when the nappy is removed. Be warned and do not leave your lunch anywhere where it might be contaminated (average range of one week old baby – about four feet. Over time, this increases considerably).

I don’t suppose you can hose babys down in these situations?

I think that’s what we used to do with pets, and that’s about the extent of my experience in these areas.

Surely there must be a market for a baby hosing system?

I read this on the train home (via Opera mini and newsgator mobile, just in case you wonder) and this actually made me laugh out loud.

Which, predictably, made everyone around me look at me like I’d actually lost all of my marbles at once.

Adrian – you can hose babies down using advanced technology known as a "shower". We do this frequently when Tom has had a little too much puréed mango. You just have to be careful to get the water temperature just right (cooler than you would have, but not cold) and keep baby’s head out of the water (Tom holds himself up now, so that’s not such a problem, but Bernard would need a helping hand).

I would like to complain that the contents of this post made me laugh out loud in work, drawing attention to the fact that I wasn’t actually working.

Brilliant. Reminds me of that scene in ‘Three Men and a Baby’, with the nappy and the poo and the wee and the… I’m sure you’ve seen it.

This one was funnier though. 🙂

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