About Me


> These products appeal to the kind of person whose favourite birthday present is a Dymo tape machine. Look into their eyes and witness the insecurity! “How will I know what type of brown liquid this is? Yes, of course – a handy reminder!” Don’t stand still in their kitchen for too long (reading all the words on the objects around you, with increasing incredulity), otherwise they’ll be tattooing “PERSON” onto your forehead before you know it.

…is an excerpt from Stuart’s 700 word rant on labelled kitchenware (you know the sort – “TEA”, “COFFEE”, “SUGAR”, “CYANIDE CAPSULES”).

Now would be a good time to tell you about my kitchen. Mugs are kept in two different cupboards. The cling film is kept separate from the food bags which are kept separate from the bin bags. I keep one bowl in the cupboard with the cereal and all the rest on the other side of the room. Crisps are kept at eye-level and plates near to the ankles. Sharp knives are kept with the spaghetti spoon, and wooden spatulas with the cutlery and pizza wheel. Jam shares a cupboard with salt, and pepper shares a cupboard with bread.

Welcome to my kitchen. If it was a movie, the tagline would be “where the only way to the soup is through the mind of a twisted bastard…” (read in gravelly voice)

One reply on “Kitchen”

Re-reading this four years later, I really wish that I had taken photos of all these cupboards. These days, my life is kept well-organised by the care of a sane woman.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *