Categories
Meander

Upsetting sock anecdote

*This was copied from my diary sometime in 2008*

Karen has been pestering me to throw out my holy socks for some time now. I resisted, for a while, as I knew that though I currently have a lot of pairs, once the culling began then there would be no stopping, and we would find out exactly how many, or rather, how few intact socks I own.

But because I love her, I obliged, and yesterday I began the process, terrified as I was.

The girl is a darling, though. This morning I opened my sock drawer to find five new pairs. Excitedly, I decided to forgo an old pair and wear a new one today, to show my appreciation.

Here’s where it gets horrid. I grabbed some scissors to cut the plastic frob that holds the socks in the pack. However, my incision was slightly off target.

The sock that I wear on my left foot became the first sock in my history to have a hole in it before it had ever been worn.

Categories
Music

Minds as weapons

Pertaining to the previous post, it has all become clear.

There was a time when I used my mind as a weapon. It was an unpleasant time, because there were unpleasant wars to be waged, but it was also a good time, because I had something to fight for. I used my brain to produce the words and thoughts that I needed to fight with.

Now, I’ve successfully made things easy for myself. It took a lot of work, but I managed it. And I was pleased with myself. But now, years later, I miss the thrill of battle, the excitement of clashing intellect with opponents known or unknown.

I see only one thing for it. I need to invent an opponent. Even if they only exist in my head, at least I’ll have a nemesis — a reason to never grow complacent, a reason to strive to continually produce better and better output, a reason to always force myself to learn more.

Playing the guitar well is largely a matter of practice. The more I play, the better I get. But is songwriting the same? Should I write hundreds of songs, in the hope that there will be diamonds in the dungheap? Or should I allow myself a few weeks or months between each attempt, in the hope that I will have amassed enough original concepts in my brain in that time to produce one really really sterling piece?

One thing that I do know for sure – I need more feedback. I need to record these demos, put them up as MP3s, and get opinions back from those whom I can trust in such matters.

Categories
Music

A concerned armpit

Where has it gone?

Once my life seemed to be awash with opportunities to write. I wrote letters, and songs, and even directionless rambles. When I sat down in front of my keyboard or with my guitar, I felt a need to talk, a need to share my thoughts with the world. I felt that things needed to be said, lest they be lost forever.

Nowadays, I don’t get that anymore, and I don’t know whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Clearly I no longer have the same fear that the product of my creativity will be lost forever. Which is nice. But it is nice to have songs, letters, directionless rambles, which can immortalise these thoughts forever and provide me with an archive.

This thought tails away.

Categories
Holiday Photos

Lake District

Karen and I arrived back from the Lake District yesterday. I’ve made a photo diary for you to peruse.

There are 32 images, and the whole thing weighs about 3MB.

To begin, click here.

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Meander

Hoover-whelming

I just vacuum’d up one of Karen’s stockings.

I was doing man-hoovering. In order to save time and energy, I avoided the need to move things (shoes, clothes etc) out of the way by just pushing them to the edge of the room with the snout of the vacuum cleaner as I progressed.

However, some things evidently don’t get pushed by an assertive appliance, but prefer to give in to its powerful wiles, spreading their arms and allowing themselves to be smothered in its awesome bulk, feeling the erotic powerlessness of submission to their mighty Master.

Wow. Arousing stuff.

I delicately extracted the stocking from the mouth of the beast, and it seems to be in one piece, though a little dusty.

Let’s see how soon she notices.

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Displeasure Poetry

Gymgoing

I’ll pop down to the gym,
To do my exercise,
I aim to help my biceps,
Achieve a larger size.

But a man upon the chest press,
Warrants more inspection,
He isn’t doing exercise,
But reading the Arts section!

Piss off, you utter tit,
Your behaviour is obscene,
Can’t you read the notices?
Rest away from the machine!

Categories
About Me

Advice from a friend

I asked this question:

Do you periodically find yourself being haunted by memories of embarrassing things from years past? Even if you know that you are never again going to meet the other parties in question, you still find yourself biting your fist and disbelieving how you could be so stupid?

Well, I do. Most of them don’t bother me that much, but there’s one that still worries me to this day, possibly because it only happened a couple of years ago. I’m wondering whether I should go out seeking closure, or if it will just makes things worse, and I am better off just getting on with my life until one day it doesn’t bother me because it happened five or ten years ago. What do you think?

Friend says:

We-ell, it depends on how serious a faux pas it was? I often find myself thinking back to things I’ve done that make me feel queasy with embarrassment but swiftly put it down to experience, safe in the knowledge that it’s all helped to shape me into the thoroughly nice bloke I am today.

I can’t believe for a second that the man who ran through the sprinklers in the park in just his pants finds anything embarrassing anymore.

*chuckles to himself inanely*

*for some time…*

Well done, sir.

Categories
Meander

Insurance Salesman

I just had an unsolicited call to my mobile. Some guy trying to sell handset insurance. He said: “I understand that you pay £7.99 per month for insurance?”

I said: “No, I cancelled it.”

He said: “Ah, well, I’d like to make you a better offer?”

“Better than £0 per month?” I said.

“Haha, ” he said, “Yes, that would be a good offer, wouldn’t it?”

“Yes, ” I said. “Yes, it would.”

“Anyway, ” he said, “I shall tell you of my offer.”

“Seriously, is it a better offer than my current deal?” I asked. “Because if it is, then I’m all ears.”

He paused, and then thanked me for my time.

Categories
Poetry

Badger

I shot a little badger,
With a long elastic band,
I spied it with my little eye,
And aimed with my right hand.

The badger took off, like a shot,
Raced along the grass,
And all because I shot it,
In it’s furry little ass.

Categories
Poetry

Fairies

I found some little fairies,
On my lawn the other day,
But when I tried to talk to them,
They all just flew away.

So I took a pot of glue,
And made a sticky pool,
So now I am much happier,
Cos my garden’s always full.