Categories
Music

Barenaked Matchboxes

Twice now I’ve heard the new [Barenaked Ladies][] song on the radio and thought to myself:

[barenaked ladies]: http://www.bnlmusic.com/

*Who’s that? Sounds like Matchbox 20. In fact, that sounds so much like Matchbox 20, that it can’t be anyone other than Matchbox 20. Surely.*

And then Chris Evans or Terry Wogan will say “And that’s the fabulous new song from the Barenaked Ladies, and it’s called [Easy][], and it’s fabulous.”

[easy]: http://www.emusic.com/samples/m3u/album/10939212/0.m3u

Click that link to listen to the song, and tell me that it doesn’t sound exactly like Matchbox 20.

And I’ll ponder on how much the Barenaked Ladies’ new song sounds like Matchbox 20, and how ashamed they should be.

Categories
Poetry

Bedroom Antics

Finally, we have managed to get round to “sorting out” our bedroom in the new house.

The rest of the house has been reasonably simple to furnish, but the master bedroom kept getting bumped back for two reasons.

Firstly, Ikea let me down in a big way. They allowed me to order a mattress, pay for it, and wait for half an hour at the warehouse round the corner before finally deciding that it was out of stock. Subsequently I went home without a mattress. There didn’t seem to be any point in assembling our new Leksvik bedframe until we had a mattress, so the boxes remained in the garage for a while.

> Ikea, you are bastards,
> Spreading agony and crises,
> But I continue to buy your wares,
> ‘Cos I’m a sucker for your prices.

Secondly, my sister’s boyfriend said that he could get us a couple of nice wardrobes for free. We held out for those for a while, but at the weekend we decided that they probably weren’t going to materialise, and so we’ve bought our own.

> You promised us a wardrobe,
> Heck, you promised we’d get two!
> But did they turn up? Did they, boat.
> I’m slightly miffed with you.

And that’s why our bedroom will soon be “sorted out”. Just as soon as I build all the furniture. And then, I’m hoping that everything will tumble into place, as suitcases full of clothes can finally be unpacked and awesomeness is restored.

> At last! The dining table
> Can be used for taking supper.
> Well, it will be, when we buy some chairs.
> Off to Ikea again. Bugger.

*Yes, that’s all original poetry. Aren’t I bloody great?*

Categories
Peril Politics

Clearing Something Up

Let’s start with a hypothetical person, called George. George is hypothetical. George says “[Waterboarding][] is not torture.”

[waterboarding]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waterboarding

George is entitled to his opinion, but he’s wrong.

Let’s create a hypothetical situation for our hypothetical George to be in. Let’s say that George, through some ugly string of coincidences, finds himself captured by some very bad people, *”strapped to a board and tipped back or lowered into a body of water until he believed that drowning was imminent”* ((quote taken from the Wikipedia article linked above. Not that Wikipedia is necessarily the authority on such things, but I don’t think that anyone can argue with that definition.))

When George is eventually released, what do you think that his opinion on waterboarding will be now? Will he still think that it is not torture?

That was a hypothetical question, but feel free to answer it anyway. Comments validate me.

Categories
Uncategorized

I’ll tell you where you can shove it…

As you are probably aware, Karen and I bought a house a fortnight ago. After about a week, I got bored of having the estate agent’s “Sold” sign stood up in front, so I took it down and laid it flat on the ground (allowing the estate agents to pick it up and take it away when they are in the area).

However, Karen informs me that at some point this morning, the “Sold” sign has been re-erected. Clearly, we need to move it a little further from the front yard so that it won’t be instantly replaced. Here are some thoughts.

1. In the dead of night, take the sign round to the churchyard and stand it up in front of the church. For maximum potential offense, stick it through someone’s grave, preferably a recent one.
2. In the dead of night, situate the sign in front of a nearby school. That will cause some rumours to fly about in the morning, eh?
3. In the dead of night, install the sign next to the railway line. Then, when a train comes past, it will make a fabulous clacking noise like those plastic things that you put in your bike wheel.
4. In the dead of night, scour the town for dog turds. Collect them all up into one large pile that is sufficiently big to support the sign. Place the sign in the pile.
5. In the dead of night, break into the allotments and locate the sign on some random guy’s plot. When he discovers it, he’ll be all, like, “But it wasn’t even on the market!” and “How much money did it sell for? Is that my money, now?”
6. Uhm… in a pub.
7. Throw it in the municipal swimming pool.
8. Balance it atop a telegraph pole.
9. Traffic cone.
10. Paris Hilton.

Categories
Peril

Kahmouflaged?

What the… did the Government quietly reclassify [Kahlua][] as a Class A drug while I wasn’t looking? Nobody seems to be selling Kahlua! I’ve tried various supermarkets, I’ve tried various off-licenses, and none of them sell it. In fact, most of the time when I go into an “offy” and ask for Kahlua, the chap on the other side of the counter shows no signs of even recognising the name!

[kahlua]: http://kahlua.com/

I’m starting to panic. This is all horribly, horribly wrong.

Categories
Uncategorized

sniff

My t-shirts are good for two days now. Winter is approaching.

[Inspiration][].

[inspiration]: http://fremescent.blogspot.com/2006/09/sniff.html

Categories
Parenting

The Best Days

I used to think that the best days of my life were behind me. I would look back on carefree times, knowing that I’d never be able to get them back. I’d never again make a nuisance of myself on a University campus, and [Shiny Tight Stuff][] would never again spend an entire summer drinking beer in the afternoons and making music.

[shiny tight stuff]: http://www.last.fm/music/Shiny+Tight+Stuff

Yesterday morning, while lying in bed and listening to Bernard making silly gurgling noises, I realised that these are the best days. Right now. Maybe there will be some more best days in 20 years, when Bernard has left home, and Karen and I can let our hair down at last, but I’m not going to make any assumptions about what the future holds.

The best days can’t be captured and preserved. Photographs can remind you that you were there, but you can’t retrieve the emotions that you felt. Photographs of good times just make me weepy and nostalgic.

Words can remind you what the emotions were, but not how to reconstruct them; just like how the word “skyscraper” doesn’t contain sufficient detail to tell you how to build one.

Wisdom can be very depressing, can’t it? I’m looking forward to spending some time with someone who doesn’t have any of it.

Categories
Critters Gardening Top Photos

Wildlife In The Garden

I went out into the garden today and saw a fab-looking spider, so I dashed off to get my camera.

Spider

And then a rather large dragonfly, one of the largest that I’ve ever seen, came fluttering past. “Please settle on a leaf somewhere,” I implored. The dragonfly obliged, and stayed there long enough for me to get half a dozen shots.

Dragonfly

Categories
Computing Photos

Jerker

Jerker

I’m now the proud owner of a Jerker desk.

Categories
Uncategorized

Talk Like A Pirate Day

September 19th always has been, and will continue to be, [Talk Like A Pirate day][]. Which is why (if the [plugin][] is working correctly) this entire site should be appearing in Piratese for the duration of the day.

[plugin]: http://dougal.gunters.org/blog/2004/08/30/text-filter-suite
[talk like a pirate day]: http://talklikeapirate.com/

*Note: this entry was written a week ago, and scheduled for later publishing. It should not be taken as an indicator that [Pipex][] have managed to get round to reconnecting me yet. In fact, if this note is here, you can probably take it as an indicator that they most definitely haven’t.*

[pipex]: http://www.pipex.com/