Categories
Peril

The Beast of the Bridge

Walking home from the gym after sunset fills me with fear, for I know that I will encounter The Beast of the Bridge.

The Beast only comes out at night, when it lurks by the pavement, waiting for weary unsuspecting travellers to pass by. It moves fast in the half-light, so reports of its appearance vary wildly. However, one thing we do know is that it may look a lot like a sparrow-sized dragon.

It has eight wings and red eyes, and teeth the size and shape of a corkscrew. Fresh blood drips from the tips of its sharp talons as it circles threateningly around your head. It will fly within a foot of your face, reducing you to a crumbling mass, quaking before its majestic ominosity.

And then, with the beat of one of its wings against your face, it will skim your neck, causing your hairs to rise up on end and your pulse to quicken to a Happy Hardcore tempo.

Then it is gone. And you, weary traveller, will not sleep well tonight.

Categories
Computing Dear Donkey

Dear Donkey – IT support

> Dear Donkey,

> You know how alt + tab shuts the window, well what if it stops is there any way I can restore it without resetting defaults and losing new shortcuts?

DonkeyDonkey says:

Are you sure that you are actually using Windows? In fact, are you sure that you are using a computer at all? Try stroking your computer’s stomach. If your “computer” purrs, rolls over, and breathes fish into your face, then it isn’t a computer.

Categories
Ewan Food Guidance

Cook With Ewan – Fried Misc

cook with ewanI received a lot of feedback to the CheeseOnToast++, and most people said “Wow. You must be the most goddamn sexy shark ever to grace the Internet!”

And to those people, my devoted fans, I send kisses and words of lust. I want to hump you all.

Some other people said that I had managed to make a simple dish look complicated. Some other smart-arses pointed out the error below image 5, where I stated that I was a carnivore and ate only meat, yet the dish that I was preparing was entirely vegetarian.

AcerbiaDave: I am a carnivore and only eat meat… yet I am eating an all non-meat meal

I shall not even dignify this bullshit with a response.

Anyway, this week I am going to show you how to make a complicated and impressive dish, in very few easy steps. And a whole bunch of difficult ones.

Only kidding.

Step One. In THIS pan…

Rice on the boil

…set a suitable amount of rice boiling, following the instructions on the box. In THIS pan…

The ingredients

…heat up some olive oil for frying. Give the chopped bacon (3 rashers) and sliced red onion (half of a decent sized one) a head start of about three minutes, then chuck in the sliced mushrooms (2), sliced peppers (red, green and yellow – quarter of a pepper in each case) and cashew nuts (as you desire, but avoid the salted sort).

Then dish it up.

On the plate

Finally, drizzle on some soy sauce. This is best done by a human, as they have opposable thumbs for holding onto the bottle with, as demonstrated below by my lovely assistant and dinner guest Lord Toadington-Keynes.

A bit of soy sauce

What girlish hands you have, Lord Toadington-Keynes (Lord T-K: Fuck you, shark).

In terms of quantities, this recipe serves one bored-shitless Lord and a fluffy shark. If you have a girlfriend present, you lucky fucking bastard pigfaced twat, then you probably need to increase the amount of bacon and mushrooms, and perhaps some more peppers too.

If your girlfriend is currently on the other side of the country, then eat this plate of food in dejected silence in the corner of your living room, while listening to angsty music and dreaming of fellatio.

Categories
Fiction Peril

Oh, it WAS a dream

As her eyes drifted open, she realised that her dream had been reality.

The party, the explosion, the dismembered bodies strewn about the garden. All of it was real.

The horned beasts descending from hovering motorcycles, impaling the survivors on their spears. All of it had been real.

The horrific screams, as the elegantly dressed partygoers were torn limb from limb, the remains of their torsos being tossed this way and that, into the fountain and the pond and the summerhouse. All of it.

At that point all of her friends stood up and laughed at her for falling for their little practical joke. How stupid she was.

Categories
Meander

Things I Would Never Blog

It was some sort of school open day. I was wandering around in my school uniform. I’m sure I was supposed to be doing something important, but for some reason I was passing by the Main Hall.

The school was built on a gentle slope. There were two ways into the Main Hall, both involving descending a flight of about eight narrow steps. The alternative was to go around the outside of the school and through the Fire Exit. That was the official wheelchair access to the Main Hall.

At the top of one of these flights of steps was a man in a wheelchair. He may have had a white pony tail.

Until I hit about 16 and started going to the gym, I was never a particularly beefy kid. I was the lanky one whose arms were widest at the elbow. Yet somehow I felt obliged to help this man in a wheelchair, who was aligned perfectly with these steps, staring longingly ahead. I offered my services, and the fool accepted. Evidently I gave the impression that I had done something like this before, and was a qualified wheelchair handler.

I co-opted the services of another kid. He was a couple of years younger than me, and not really a wise choice. He was short and round, and was probably the only person in the school with less muscular fortitude than myself. I think he had some sort of chronic heart problem, and had spent half of his life in hospital.

I took the handlebars, and other kid took the front of the wheelchair to stabilise it. At this point things went downhill.

The intention was to drop by one step at a time, allowing the large rear wheels to fall into the right angle formed by the step and riser. I know now that I should have kept the centre of gravity between the two points of contact. I didn’t know this at the time.

The chair pitched forwards sharply. Other kid was powerless, and watched as the man’s face passed him by. At no point did he even touch this wheelchair. I immediately transferred all of my energies to pulling this wheelchair back, to hold it in place. Perhaps I could have held it, but probably not.

Things could have been really bad, I suppose. The wheelchair could have rolled down the stairs like O J Simpson did in the Naked Gun, and at the bottom either the guy would have fallen forwards out of it, or sat there giving me evil eyes. But I guess my name was at the top of the Miracle Allocation Register that day, and from nowhere a member of staff appeared in front of me and substituted himself in place of Other Kid.

Stability returned. The man in the wheelchair made it safely to the bottom.

EPILOGUE: Later in the evening, I bumped into the man in the wheelchair again. I sheepishly smiled apologetically. He beamed back, and I felt a lot better.

Every six months I remember this incident, and bite my fist in anguish. Maybe now I’ve shared it, I can finally be free of my burden.

Categories
Ewan Food Guidance

Cook With Ewan – CheeseOnToast++

cook with ewanThe most important thing to know about CheeseOnToast++ is that it is ++. You must know this. You must believe this. You must understand this. You must live this.

So make sure that all your apparatus is dirty. Those pork steaks two days ago were gorgeous, weren’t they? So don’t wash up the baking tray – take advantage of all those lovely porky juices just begging to be recycled. ((Important! Cooking with dirty utensils is dangerous and will kill you. Only attempt it if you are a shark and spend your entire life swimming around in human excrement anyway.))

Brown some bread on one side.

Toasted on one side

Golden brown, every time. Golden brown, my little Sharkitechts. That’s the key to good toast.

Then put some tomato puree on, and spread it nice and thin. You can see those nice dirty porkjuice stains everywhere. Mmmm.

Tomato puree goes on

Pesto! Yes, I told you, my remoradoring fans, this is CheeseOnToast++!

Pesto goes on

Slop on a teaspoonful and spread it about. And only then is it time for the cheese. Try and mix a couple of varieties – Cheddar with Red Leicester is a particularly good choice, as the yellow and orange contrast nicely. I used Cheddar and Cathedral City today.

Cheese goes on

Back into the grill with you. Make sure you handle that tray with oven gloves, especially if you are a fluffy shark.

Back in the oven

Season to taste, SharkFins. Some pepper and green flakey things called herbs. I don’t put too many of them on, partly because of the pesto that is already in place, but also partly because I am a carnivore and only eat meat.

Seasoning

Every single meal that you ever create should be served with a pork pie garnish. Remember that. It’s very important. I’ve also drizzled some olive oil over the CheeseOnToast++, just to make it gooier.

On the plate, with a pork pie

CheeseOnToast++, like all meals that can be eaten onehanded, should be enjoyed whilst leaning over a balcony / verandah / snake pit / politician’s wife.

Categories
Fiction Peril

A short story about lunch

It happened somewhere around what he thought was Poland. While planning his round-the-world trip, he hadn’t made any sort of contingency plan for implementation in the eventuality that he faced a huge red plastic wall.

But it was all perfectly clear now. He’d been standing on top of a sandwich all along. How can he have failed to realise this? If only he’d stood back once in a while, and looked at the bigger picture. The enormous apple to his left. The tough, gargantuan thermos flask behind him. It all made sense now.

“If only I’d known sooner,” he thought to himself. “I would have lived my life with more virtue.”

But it was too late now. The lunchbox closed over his head, and there was darkness.

Categories
Food Photos

A gratuitous photo of some spaghetti bolognaise, intended to induce drooling in those who are hungry and would enjoy eating it

spaghetti bolognaise

Categories
Gardening

My Problem

My problem is that I am bad at keeping plants alive.

In my flat, I generally find that cut flowers outlast a pot plant. This is something that gives me a lot of grief. Why am I so bad at telling when soil is wet or dry? It makes no sense.

And then tonight it came to me. I’m not really actually bad at looking after pot plants. It’s all really to do with my low boredom threshold.

Y’see, I don’t want the same foliage to exist in my flat for more than a week. I want it to change. So the only way to ensure this is to kill it. Murder. Assassination.

Die, plants. Die.

Categories
Guidance

3 Really Ace Things To Say After Sex

1. *By the power of Grayskull!*
2. *Sorry.*
3. *You’ve caught me on a bad week, actually. It’s normally much better than this.* ((This quote stolen with absolutely no remorse from Mike‘s tagline.))