DIY Guidance

How To Paint A Bit Of A Car (Part 2)

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This is gonna be such fun.

Firstly, admire your handiwork from yesterday. Marvel at the way that a day of rest has transformed it, from a painted piece of plastic into a piece of plastic which looks like it was always that colour. Set up your environment as before (figure 12). Sven Goran Erikson is optional.

As an aside, I received an email yesterday remarking on the fact that I read the Observer. I would like to suggest that whoever sent this email should check the photos again, because I quite clearly use the Guardian as my mat.

So, here we are again, and this time the watchword is restraint. Firstly, you must trust the colour on the lid of your paint can (figure 13). Once you have established your faith in the paint, we may begin.

The big difference in applying the paint rather than the primer is that you currently have an image in your head of what it is going to look like when you are finished. Do not trust this image. If you try to get the grille / bumper / spoiler / whatever to the right colour with your first coat, YOU WILL REGRET IT. It’s a schoolboy error, and your end product will be covered in fat fucking splodges. Today, we must use thin coats, and plenty of them. With the primer I applied two coats with one can – today I will apply four coats of paint from one can.

The spraying action is exactly the same, but just go easy, and maintain your ten inch gap. Make your coats as thin as you desire. See figure 14? See the light bits? That was my first coat. Remember – have faith in your paint. It will come out the right colour, in time. Just make sure that you don’t allow any blobs to accumulate. To ensure this, make sure that the spray jet is not stationary at any point. Only press the button down while the can is in motion. Figure 15 may help you to envisage your strategy (sorry, it’s a really cheap effort).

Again, your coats need 15 minutes to dry, and so you will find yourself doing quite a bit of sitting around. You can use your time to grab an orange juice and an apple (figure 16). Nothing is quite so grand as a man of the world getting his vitamin C. Especially if his hands are dirty. Ain’t that a man?

You should also figure out how to get the old grille or whatever off (figure 17). This may involve sticking your hands inside the engine compartment, around the battery and under the headlamps to get to the little catch. Be careful – there’s electricity in them thar power cells. And then put it back on again, because you still need to drive back to work in half an hour.

You will also probably spend this time running back and forth between your car and your bit of car with a tape measure, just to check that you bought the right item and it is going to fit in place. Just chill out, okay? You’re gonna be fine.

Should any of the attractive female neighbours walk past, you should get down on your hands and knees and randomly blow imaginary specks of dust off of it. Not only are you a perfectionist, but you’re also fucking brilliant at cunnilingus.

After your third coat (figure 18) you should find that the colour is pretty much matching your existing bodywork. It won’t be exactly the same, because wet paint is a different colour to dry paint, but you should be pretty much there. Remember the difference in the primer since yesterday? The same thing will happen again.

Look over your work for any areas which you haven’t quite put enough paint down on yet, so that you can lay a little (but just a tiny little, mind) emphasis on them when you put down your FINAL COAT (figure 19).

If you are lucky, you shouldn’t suffer any major insect strikes, though wasps do like the smell of paint a bit. The worst that I suffered was this little thing (figure 20), which looks like a tiny pube.

Right, let your bit of car dry for another fifteen minutes and then take it indoors. Take great care of it. Scratch it now, and you’re a fucking moron.

End result

Go back to work.

5 replies on “How To Paint A Bit Of A Car (Part 2)”

Absolutely fantastic …. I shall attempt to spray my car this weekend. Justa quick question should I drink beer at the same time or not???

Hi, Brad!

When I was younger, I would have argued that yes, you should drink beer at the same time as everything, all the time. Now, with years of discretion reached, I often wait until I’m finished, and then I can enjoy my beer as I survey a job well done.

Yeah, I’m a miserable old fart now. A lot can change in 4.5 years.

Your a genious lad, well written im painting my audi avants, colour code the bumpers a paint shop quated me £250!! Thulla that a bit of DIY didn’t harm anyone?? or did it?????????????????????

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