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Meander

Blue Smoke – A Short Play

Scene: INTThis means “interior”, for all you idiots out there silver Honda S2000 sports car. The roof is down. PETE is in the passenger seat and HIS BOSS is driving. The car is stationary at some traffic lights.

PETE sees some blue smoke coming from somewhere down by the side of the car.

HIS BOSS: “What’s that smell?”

PETE: “Smells like brakes burning.”

HIS BOSS: “I hope it’s not us.”

HIS BOSS looks at the handbrake.

HIS BOSS: “Shit. How long has that been on?”

PETE: “Since the traffic lights two miles back, I’d guess.”

HIS BOSS: “My wife will kill me.”

PETE: (thinks: That would be a shame. Then I’d have to get another job.)

HIS BOSS: “You’d best not tell anyone about this.”

PETE: “My lips are sealed.” (thinks: but my fingers aren’t! Haha!)

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Meander

Excuse

My bedroom.

Morning.

I awake. There is light creeping in around the edges of my black curtains.

I look at the clock. It flashes 1:26.

Power cut.

So what time is it really?

I roll across my bed and onto the floor. I slither up the dresser and claw my watch from the surface.

It’s about 7.30. I have woken up at pretty much the time that my alarm would have gone off.

I go back to bed. Now I’ve got the perfect excuse for a lie in.

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Meander

Boredom

In my boredom, I attempted to fold a CD in half. I think I was expecting it to bend and snap cleanly, like a credit card. Fortunately I turned my face away as a precaution, as it shattered into pieces, spreading shards of plastic and slivers of aluminium foil across my desk.

My boredom was not satiated though, so I decided now was the time to experience first hand the CD-in-microwave phenomenon.

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Meander

Following a blogmeet

“Hi, I’m in a bit of a peculiar situation. I’ve arranged to meet a group of total strangers at this pub tonight, and I don’t know what any of them look like. Seeing as you are a group of total strangers, I wonder if you are the group of total strangers that I am looking for?”

“No, sorry.”

“Ah, never mind.”

“Try downstairs.”

“Oh, there’s a downstairs? Splendid, I’ll give that a try.”

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About Me Meander

Tam

For some reason, my dad liked Tam. Tam wasn’t exactly a friend. Friend is the wrong word. We were never really friends, in that we didn’t actually talk an awful lot. But we used to stay over at the other’s place for a night, and play computer games.

This was back when I was about 12, I guess. I had an Amiga 500, and he had a Sega MegaDrive.

And for years after me and Tam stopped playing computer games together, my dad would sometimes ask “How’s Tam?”, and I’d reply “Haven’t spoken to him for years, dad.”

This morning, an envelope arrived on my mat, the address written on in my dad’s handwriting. I peeled it open.

Inside was just a scrap of newspaper, cut out of the local newspaper. No letter inside, nothing.

I haven’t spoken to Tam for about three years, maybe more. I think the last time we spoke was when we worked in a bar together for a short while. At the time he had been going out with this really nice girl for about a year. She wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous, but she was pretty, and she smiled all the time, but not in a stupid way. In a nice way. And they made a good couple.

The scrap of newspaper showed a quarter of an advert for a fireplace showroom. “Interesting,” I thought, “but I don’t have a chimney.” I realised my idiocy and turned it over.

I saw two familiar faces. A recognisable nice smile, and the ever-so-slightly buck teeth that could only be Tam. She was wearing a white dress and holding a bouquet, and he was in a black tux.

I’m very happy for both of them, naturally, and I also think that they are both very lucky that they met eachother when they were so young.

For the rest of us? Maybe we’ll never meet the right person. But that doesn’t matter, because even if you end up unmarried forever, there will always be somebody else in the same situation to keep you company. The thing that you have to understand about life is that it has the advantage. Life makes the rules, and life breaks the rules. Sometimes you just have to be flexible.

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Meander

One wintry night

I don’t consider myself to be worldly-wise.

I haven’t seen the world. Yet.

I haven’t travelled all over, and experienced the diversity that only a true ramblin’ man could.

But I think I’ve had first hand experience of some quite varied environments within the United Kingdom. I’ve lived in cities, and I’ve lived in villages, and a spectrum in between.

Tonight, 2:05am, I walked home from the train station amidst the sodium lights and the shrill birdsong, both of which are still filtering in through my open balcony doors. And I felt this feeling of unity, like the minor details of my life so far had been distilled and mixed into a small basin, and were being fed to me there and then.

I realise now that I have achieved so much more in 2002 than I dreamed possible. I am in a fantastic situation right now, and this is a great place to be attacking the remainder of my life from. Let’s hope that I don’t fuck it up.

Some rewinding may be in order.

I didn’t steal the broken headrest from the train tonight.

Rewind.

I was sat on the return train tonight, amidst pissheads and lager louts who were staggering up the aisles and laughing the most despicable laughs imaginable. A broken headrest was opposite me, laid on the seat, inviting me to use it as a weapon, so that I may destroy the form of this twat in a beanie hat who was laughing like a bad comedian.

Rewind.

The Gods were smiling on me tonight. After wandering the streets of Wimbledon for 45 minutes, I was sure that I was doomed to spend the next six hours trapsing the highways and byways, waiting for the public transport to restart in the morning so that I may be on my merry way. I had missed the train that I was aiming for, by a long shot. It was long gone, and I couldn’t see a resolution.

I continued to walk. After all, what else is there? I would walk all night, if necessary. It would be a learning experience, that would build me as a man. I’ve walked all night before, and if necessary I would walk all night again.

However, I broke the crest of a hill and was warmed by the glow of Wimbledon station. The grail. The target. If only I had happened upon it earlier.

I wandered inside, more out of curiosity than any belief that it would be fulfilling. I sauntered to my regular platform. Hark, what did I see? A train. But not just any train.

A train that could take me home.

Rewind.

I left the party on foot at about half past midnight. I had a train to catch. As long as things went according to plan, I could be home in an hour. 1:30am. A quite respectable time.

The party was very enjoyable actually. It was attended by a dozen rather likeable people, with only a small number being too drunk to appreciate it. The wine was plentiful, the music was variable, and the conversation was of a fine calibre. I was having a good night, amongst like-minded individuals.

Dare I say it, probably the best New Years’ Eve on record.

And now, to my readership. I’d like to wish a lot of love to you all. Over this coming year there will be moments of greatness, and moments of not-so-greatness. It’s inevitable. But I’ll look after you in any way that I can.

Adieu. Speak to you tomorrow.

Categories
Meander

I need to learn to be more aggressive.

I need to learn to be more aggressive.

Case in point. Queueing to pay for some sandwiches.

It’s one of those shops where there is one long queue, and when you get to the front you get filtered off to an individual checkout, à la Post Offices.

Checkout 2 appears to be vacated. I walk over to checkout 2. As I get close, it becomes apparent that there are still some goods piled up there. Simultaneously, two things happen: the woman at the checkout says “I’m still serving someone”; I work out that she is still serving someone, who has evidently just popped off because they forgot to pick up their Preparation H or their furry nipple warmers.

So what do I do?

I apologise.

What the hell for, I hear you cry. I should have sniffed the air with a soupçon of disgust, or growled fearfully, or even expressed my displeasure using the words and constructions provided for me by the English language.

But no-o-o. I apologised. Profusely. Twice. With a little curtsey at the end.

I’m going to stop apologising for things. I’m going to accept that I am actually within my rights to blame other people for being gits, and act accordingly by sticking my neck out and being offensive in public, instead of skulking off back to this here website and hiding behind my anonymosity.

I’m low. I’m pondlife. But no more. As of today, I’m a gobby bastard.

Experimentally, of course.

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Meander

The Girls

“Pete, what are you doing for dinner”

No plans.

“Do you fancy being cooked for?”

Who by?

“The girls.”

(Pause) Uh… what girls?

“The girls at your house.”

There are girls at my house?

(Rapturous chuckling envelopes the office)

Sounds promising.

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Meander

Meat Market

I went out for a couple of drinkywoodles to a rather amusing establishment last night.

Actually, the word “amusing” gives completely the wrong impression. I shall try again.

Last night was a Tuesday. In the process of meeting up with a couple of friends for some post-laptop-auditing drinkywoodles, it was necessary to join them in the bar that they were already in.

It was a meat market, and the only thing on offer was a doner kebab.

Tuesday night seems to bring out some real mingers. Young ladies who really shouldn’t be allowing their bellies to hang over their waistbands like a fat toad. Now, I don’t expect every girl to be a supermodel, but I swear that at one point I felt this cold feeling in my spine, like the fucking devil himself had just taken possession of my body, stuck his finger up my nose, and sung a Gareth Gates song at me.

However there was one young brunette lady who was just divine. Slender and elegant, wearing black trousers and a denim jacket, she danced like a true shining vision. You could say that she had been touched with the pretty stick, to ruthlessly extend an already-overworn saying.

She was like a shining beacon on the bow of a rowing boat, stranded in the middle of a foggy lake. Like a pint of Guinness in the middle of the desert. I was transfixed.

Then I decided that she was too good for me and went home.

Everyone knows that girls are weird anyway.

Categories
Meander

We smiled together for a while

*Craig*: made a friend today
*Pete*: Oh yes?
*Craig*: Took a book across the road to that grassy area, and a baby grass hopper came and sat on my knee
*Craig*: i smiled, he smiled
*Craig*: we sat and smiled for a while
*Pete*: You killed him
*Pete*: Didn’t you?
*Craig*: yes… but…
*Pete*: Nooo
*Craig*: after we smiled
*Craig*: for ages
*Craig*: kind of inevitable the death though, I wanted him to get off my page so I could turn it but he wouldnt…
*Pete*: Did you not give him a little shake?
*Pete*: Gentle one
*Craig*: several
*Craig*: then… thump
*Pete*: Please stop
*Craig*: sorry