Author: pete

Categories
Displeasure Music

Amazonian

I wish Amazon would stop suggesting Groove Armada albums to me.

Currently, it thinks that I like Groove Armada enough that I should own every CD that they have ever released.

There is a reason that it thinks this. I told it that I own Lovebox and Vertigo, and I like both of them. Which is true. But that’s enough. No more Groove Armada thanks. Let’s try something else.

So I tried clicking on “Not interested” for the recommendation that was at the top of the list.

Oh, said Amazon, Well, perhaps you’d be interested in THIS Groove Armada album instead?

(click) Not interested.

Oh, said Amazon, Well, perhaps you’d be interested in THIS Groove Armada album instead?

Clearly a new tack is called for.

So I went back and changed a few things. Told it that I didn’t own Lovebox or Vertigo. Removed all traces of the trail. That’ll sort it, surely.

Oh, said Amazon, I see you don’t own any Groove Armada albums. What kind of a person do you think you are? EVERYONE should own some Groove Armada albums. Amazon (that’s me) recommends their entire back catalogue.

le sigh.

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Fiction

The Game

We used to play the game endlessly in the coffee shops of New York.

I still remember the last time that we played, and I beat all of our previous records. It’s a memory that I know will stay in my mind forever, and it gets triggered at the strangest of times, and by the strangest of things.

It was her turn to measure, and my turn to smoke. We were sat at a metal table, huddled together for privacy.

Are you ready? she asked me.

I paused. Composed myself. Took a last deep breath, filling my lungs with the conditioned air and exhaling every last molecule.

Go! she whispered.

I performed the motion fluidly, just like we’d practised between us hundreds of times. The cigarette was out of the packet and in my mouth within about 0.3 seconds. A flame was licking from the spout of the lighter about 0.2 seconds later. By the time 1.1 seconds had elapsed, I was breathing in the deep, foamy smoke.

I dragged and dragged, the tip of the cigarette glowing like iron in the foundry. I breathed out through my nose as I breathed in through my mouth, my head shrouded in the clouds, my visibility reducing to nothing.

The seconds went by like hours. Everything became nothing, and nothing became even less. I didn’t falter for a second. This game wasn’t a cross-country race. It was a sprint. A long, hard sprint.

A voice was heard to say Excuse me – you can’t smoke in here.

…and stop

I stopped and removed the cigarette from my mouth. A ruler was produced.

She measured the length of ash hanging from the tip of the cigarette, and looked me in the eye with total adoration.

Very impressive, Pete. You win.

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Ewan Food Guidance

Cook With Pussy

grilling

At last, now that limelight-hogging shark is out of the way, I can achieve the fame and notoriety that is deservedly mine!

boiling

I’ll show him! Bloody talentless hack… I’ve got more cooking savoir-faire in one of my whiskers than he has in his entire seabound body!

contemplating

If only this had happened sooner! Perhaps my career could have been saved before my looks were savaged by old age!

devouring

Now quiver before me, mortals! I shall be your queen! Your beautiful, culinarily blessed queen!

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Ewan Food Guidance

Cocktails with Ewan Cruise: Tequiwi

word up, mothersharkers...

My, who the blazing heck is this, in front of some kiwi juice and a bottle of tequila? It’s only that dude, Ewan The Shark! And he looks like he is about to speak…

ice, just like vanilla

Welcome one, welcome all, to Cocktails With Ewan “The Shark” Cruise. Or should that be Ewan “Cruise” The Shark. Probably more appropriate.

As you can see above, I have placed 4n ice cubes into the cocktail shaker, where n is a coefficient determining how icy you want your cocktail to be, which I see, has efficiently enhanced your determination to make a cocktail.

the bit that makes the cocktail a cocktail

This is the hardest part to execute. Put some tequila into the cocktail shaker.

I really hope that you are managing to keep up with this.

the best photo I have ever taken

Whereas the previous step was the hardest to execute, this step is the hardest to photograph. Whilst holding a fluffy shark in one hand, a carton of kiwi juice in the other hand, and a camera between your teeth, pour some kiwi juice into the cocktail shaker. How you hold the cocktail shaker is up to you.

WARNING: do not try this at home

Shake your cocktail. As anyone knows, there is only one proper way to shake a cocktail.

And it’s not inside a washing machine.

pour...

Pour the cocktail into one of those really groovy tumblers just like they used to have in the ’50s in America. It is essential that you use one of these tumblers, as this drink is useless without the kaleidoscope effect you get when you are draining the last drops of your drink and staring down the barrel of an empty glass.

...and serve

Presto! Witness its majesty! Witness its charm! Witness its unsettling murky green colour!

Witness the flavour. Delicious.

*Ewan will return…*

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Meander

She told me not to post this

Me: “I want to… uhm… put you in a box… with… uhm… lots of toothpaste in it.”
Her: “Mmmmm…”
Me: “And I want to… uhm… tie you to a banjo.”
Her: “Ahhhhhh…”
Me: “And… uhm… put you next to the radiator and throw foxes at you.”
Her: “Oooooh…”

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Ewan Guidance

Carpent With Ewan

Ewan in a drawer

What’s this in the drawer of my new coffee table? It’s a shark called Ewan, and he’s going to show me how to reinforce it!

These drawers just ain’t strong enough. The bottom bit slots into some grooves that are just a few millimetres deep, and once these drawers are laden with magazines, that base bit will buckle and fall through. We need reinforcements!

Before and after

Here is the drawer that we are about to reinforce, alongside one I prepared earlier. Get ready for the ride of your life!

The pencil line being drawn

Measure twice, cut once. Or, in our case, measure once, draw a pencil line on the piece of wood once, take it through to the kitchen once… whoops, I’m getting ahead of myself…

Sawing

…put some newspaper down once (pleases the sharkette no end). Sawing is definitely a job for someone with opposable thumbs, so Pete did this bit.

Saw

When you are finished sawing, put the saw on the work surface rather than leaving it on the kitchen floor. I learned this the hard way. Note also that when you pick the newspaper up, it will be covered with a dusty reside, created whilst sawing. This dusty residue, created whilst sawing, is not too dissimilar in colour and texture to sawdust.

A line of glue

After checking that your pieces of wood fit, apply a thin line of wood glue to the edge that will be your vertical…

Two lines of glue

…and a thin line of wood glue to the base. Assuming that gravity points downwards in your region, make sure that your drawer is upside down when you do this. There is no point reinforcing the top of the drawer. Also make sure that your thin line of wood glue is close enough to the edge of the base that it will make good contact with the piece of wood, when you put it in place.

Application

Put the wood in position and press it firmly into place. For every hour that the glue says that it needs to dry, allow four seconds. This drawer is ready to put back into position in a rip-roaring one minute, thirty six seconds!!!!!!!

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Meander

Car-ga

That’s “car” meets “saga”. Sorry, bit obscure.

It is commonly known amongst everyone in the whole wide world that my car key has a problem. The moulded plastic bit that should hold onto a keyring is worn and cracked, and so under extreme forces, the key can separate from the ring entirely.

Today, a co-worker gave me a lift to the bank, and since we were passing very close to the castle I stopped in to get my mobile phone, which I had forgotten to bring that morning.

FFwd to later on that afternoon. I remove my keys from my pocket (they were probably interfering with my karma or, more likely, my right testicle). Or, should I say, my key (that’s singular, there).

Like a finely honed analytical machine, my brain leaps into life and replays the last five hours of film. Maybe the key fell off somewhere in the office? Five minutes later, we can discount that possibility.

Maybe the key fell off when I parked the car in the car park this morning? Ten minutes of scrabbling in the dark later, we can discount that possibility.

Maybe the key fell off when I was sat in my colleague’s car? I borrow his key, and perform a quick hunt. No joy.

My colleague gave me a lift home tonight, to my warm house, and my spare car key. And who was waiting for me on the doorstep when I got home?

Kevin Spacey.

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Uncategorized

Merry kiss-mouse

Last week’s fiasco with the car required me to replace the radiator at a cost of approximately £100 + VAT + labour + VAT on labour (no doubt). It also meant that I needed to arrange transport to get back to my home and then back to Karen’s at the end of the week. It also meant that I needed to arrange transportation into work, which consisted of one train journey and 100 miles in one of our company’s cars, which I had to be insured on, and which I generously filled up with diesel at the end of the week, even though it had only been half full when I had picked it up.

Total cost – I’d estimate nearly £300.

This morning, whilst putting a last minute christmas card into a big shiny red pillar box, I noticed that my right tail light wasn’t working.

I popped round to the garage to get a replacement 12V 5W bulb for £1, which I fitted myself in about 12 seconds.

Conclusion: if I can find a way to cool a naturally aspirated petrol engine using only light bulbs, I may be in line for a Nobel prize.

Merry kiss-mouse, people. If you find a mouse on your windowsill, give it a kiss. The odds of it transferring a disease to you are sufficiently small that it is worth it for the joy that you will get when you see the smile on its little mousey face.

And remember, keep your mouth closed when you kiss mice. Though they like a big sloppy Frenchie with tongues as much as the next rodent, you should be conscious that they also like warm, damp holes in which to make a nest, and once a mouse gets under your tongue it can only be coaxed out by dangling small cubes of Gouda from your nose.

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Uncategorized

What’s red and yellow and featherless down one side

As soon as the tree goes up, I can stop feeling festive again. It’s a great relief. Then all the tinsel and lights just become another way of decorating the flat – totally meaningless, no significance whatsoever. That’s how things should be. All things should be insignificant. Even the important things. Less ego.

Some of the things that we do will be bigger than other things. Sometimes we will find ourselves passing our days working away on one small project after another, and sometimes we will be confronted by something enormous, something so big that even when you stand back you can’t see all of it at once. And then you have to break it up into smaller pieces, like the squirrel.

Mmmmm, cubed squirrel meat…

At first, you will find that your pan will contain a few small cubes of squirrel. It will be a big, empty pan, with some pieces of squirrel in the bottom. Daunting.

And then, it will start to look like a pan full of squirrel cubes, but with some space in it. Less daunting, but still incomplete. Don’t fuck up now. You’re not out of the woods yet.

One day, if you are very, very lucky, you will be the proud owner of a pan full of squirrel, all succulent and tender, fresh from the tree. And then you can cook your squirrel, enjoy your squirrel, devour your squirrel.

Devour your squirrel.

Oh, and by the way…

…the answer is: a canary that has been held up to an industrial sander.

*Originally posted here*

Categories
Uncategorized

Drying Is Fun

**Drying Is Fun**
ISDN 6-666-666666666-6666666666666666666

This book, by popular childrens’ author Spudchop Tagliatelle, is a must-have for parents of children suffering from post-shower-towelphobia. Witty and beautifully illustrated by popular childrens’ illustrator Robert Crowsfeet, it adopts a patronising tone that the children will mistake for sincerity, yet the parents will recognise as sharp piss-taking out of this pathetic affliction.

*Also by the same author:*

* Chewing Properly Before Swallowing Is Fun
* Waiting Until You Are In The Toilet Before Relaxing Your Appropriate Muscles Is Fun
* Keeping Out Of The Fucking Garage You Little Shit Is Fun
* Well-formed HTML Is Fun>

*Originally posted here*