Month: November 1999

Categories
Guidance

Eating crisps in the pub

There are a number of steps to ensure that your pub crisp-eating experience goes as smoothly as possible.

Firstly, select a suitable pub. You need to be sat down, around a table, with about two or three other people. It must not be too crowded, and the table must be square or round, with four beermats and no spilt fluids on its surface.

Take your coat off and hang it over the back of your chair. Place mobile phones, car keys and wallets on the table. This is a safe pub, and there will always be someone sat at the table.

Persons A and B sit opposite eachother at the table whilst persons C and D go to the bar, ensuring they have taken the order first. They lean up against the bar, which may or may not have spilt fluids on its surface, until the attention of a young and vibrant/old and grotty barmaid is drawn.

Order drinks. Whilst they are poured, person C selects a flavour of crisps depending on personal preference. My personal favourite is Salt and Vinegar, but Cheese and Onion may also be appropriate, and if you feel adventurous, try Beef or Worcester Sauce flavour.

When the drinks are placed on the bar, which may or may not have spilt fluids on its surface, person C pays. Person D takes the drinks belonging to persons A and D back to the table, and places them on the appropriate beermats.

Person C picks up the bag of crisps, holding them between his (or her) teeth, takes a pint in each hand and gingerly returns to the table.

The two remaining drinks are placed on the appropriate beermats and the crisp opening ritual begins. This is a complex operation. Open the bag of crisps at the top fully, and then tear down the side seam and allow the tear to continue across the front of the bag to the opposite corner. This opens out the bag, which can then be placed on the table, for communal sampling.

When two people have finished their drinks, persons A and B go to the bar and repeat the process.

Repeat the process twice more until persons B and D have also bought “a round” each.

*Originally posted [here][]*

[here]: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A210420

Categories
Uncategorized

Friday afternoon

After a slow day at lectures, I decide to retire to the computer room to waste a couple of hours. I contemplate writing a [guide][] entry on Tchaikovsky, but abort my efforts after not knowing how to start it. The cursor just flashes at me, seemingly saying “I’m not going to help you with this one.” If only after a few minutes of inactivity the computer could sense that you were having a mental block, and offer advice and suggestions. Like a little window popping up saying “How’s about you go and have a cup of coffee and I will write this for you?” That’s what I envisage when people talk about computers making your life easier.

Two blonde girls walk into the computer room. Two IDENTICAL blonde girls. Makes you wonder how two people can look so much like eachother. And it’s not even natural blonde (it is highlights), so you can’t even claim that they are identical twins. “Blondes by numbers”, I call them.

And still the cursor flashes. Go away, stupid cursor.

[guide]: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/

Categories
Uncategorized

Purple

Purple is a colour that occurs as a result of high frequency electromagnetic waves being absorbed by the retina in the eye.

It’s also what you get if you mix red and blue, and is one of the more homosexual colours available.

Famous purple things are: Deep Purple (the band), Purple Haze (the song), purple towels, violets (the flower), parma violets (the small crunchy sweet, purchased in a cylindrical tower wrapped in plastic), and it is also the sort of colour you see a lot on a moonlit night.

*Originally posted [here][]*

[here]: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A207208

Categories
Guidance

Caution. Wet floor.

One of the most useful inventions ever is the sign. One of the most useful uses of the sign is to warn people who are either unstable on their feet, or just moving around too fast for their own good, that they are entering an area where a solid tiled floor has recently been covered in water, either through accident or the cleaning process. This is so that they can take extra care not to fall over.

However, the thought occurs that it has been known for people in a crowded area to fall over the signs themselves, for they are placed strategically in the middle of the floor, and being only a foot or two in height, it is not difficult for them to be completely obscured by peoples’ legs.

One wonders why there are not signs saying “Caution. ‘Caution. Wet floor.’ sign.” Of course, by induction this would mean that you would then need a sign saying “Caution. ‘Caution. ‘Caution. Wet floor sign.’ sign.’ sign.” and so on, until the world is totally covered in signs saying “Caution. Caution. Caution…. Caution. Wet floor sign. sign. sign…. sign.”

Or the signs could just be 7 foot tall.

*Originally posted [here][]*

[here]: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A207190