This story is disgusting and should only be read by those who have nerves of steel.<\/p>\n
Every morning, about ten minutes after he gets up, Bernard has a bowel movement. My theory is that it is something to do with gravity. As a result, I generally don’t change his nappy immediately, because I know that if I do, he’ll just need another change in half an hour.<\/p>\n
This morning, it was my turn to do the early shift. So just before 6am, after a little bit of prompting, I hoiked him up onto my hip and turned to leave.<\/p>\n
*Oh, and…* said Karen, *I think he’s already had his poo.*<\/p>\n
It’s normally pretty obvious when he’s filling his nappy. He sits there, his neck disappears, his eyes diverge, his cheeks flush, and he kinda… gurns. There may also be audio and olfactory clues.<\/p>\n
So I took him straight through for his nappy change. Plonked him down on the towel on the floor, some small resistance as usual, and took off his nappy.<\/p>\n
It was empty.<\/p>\n
Now, in retrospect, the smart thing to do at this stage would be to have considered the implications of this discovery. But like a man who has only just woken up, I gave him a quick wipe for freshness, and then picked up the wipe and nappy liner with the intention of taking them into the bathroom for disposal. Bernard sprang up, sprinted out of the room, and began urinating.<\/p>\n
Oh no, I said.<\/p>\n
In the bathroom, I disposed of the wipe and liner, and quickly washed my hands. I turned around.<\/p>\n
Oh no, I said.<\/p>\n
Bernard was doing a little dance in his personal puddle, with a freshly-laid turd next to him. Small streaks of poo adorned the carpet.<\/p>\n
I carried him back to the towel, and wiped his arse again.<\/p>\n
Now stay there, I said, while I clean up your mess.<\/p>\n
I disposed of the wipes and then started work on the carpet. The turd lifted cleanly away, no problem, but the streaks were a little more difficult.<\/p>\n
Satisfied at a job well done, I noticed Bernard out of the corner of my eye. He was holding something up to show me, squeezing it in his fist.<\/p>\n
Oh no, I said.<\/p>\n
I noticed another freshly laid turd on his towel.<\/p>\n
Oh no, I said.<\/p>\n
I noticed the shit on the clean nappy which I was about to insert him into.<\/p>\n
Oh no, I said.<\/p>\n
I noticed the shit on his pyjamas, and all the way up his left leg.<\/p>\n
KAAAAAARRRREEEEEENNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!, I said.<\/p>\n
Pause.<\/p>\n
I HAVE REACHED THE POINT AT WHICH I REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE!, I said.<\/p>\n
A few minutes later, Bernard was out of the shower, and all traces of faeces had been dealt with.<\/p>\n
*I feel like that was my fault,* she meeked.<\/p>\n
I can see why you might think that, I said.<\/p>\n